"He Chose Porn over Me" Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn

"He chose porn over me. Porn killed my marriage. It killed my trust. It destroyed my sense of self and understanding of true intimacy" —Courtney

Shattering the popular myth that porn is harmless, the personal accounts of 25 brave women in "He Chose Porn over Me" reveal the real-life trauma experienced by women at the hands of their porn-consuming partners—men who were supposed to care for them. This confronting but necessary book dares to tell the truth about pornography’s destructive impact—about the men who habitually use it and the women and children who are mistreated and discarded as a result. The women in this book were collateral damage in their partner’s insatiable greed for porn. Their stories tell of the crushing of intimacy, respect, connection, love. Porn colonised their families, leaving women rejected and scarred. They were subjected to sexual terrorism in their own homes. The men, turbo-charged by pornography, were intoxicated by sexualised power. They didn’t care if they lost everything including their partners. In this haunting exposé, pornography is rightfully situated as an insidious tool of violence against women.

Melinda Tankard Reist is an author, speaker, media commentator, blogger and advocate for young people. She is best known for her work addressing sexualisation, objectification, harms of pornography, sexual exploitation, trafficking and violence against women. Melinda is author/editor of six previous books including Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls (Spinifex Press, 2009), Big Porn Inc: Exposing the Harms of the Global Pornography Industry (Spinifex Press, 2011, co-edited with Dr Abigail Bray) and Prostitution Narratives: Stories of Survival in the Sex Trade (Spinifex Press, 2016 co-edited with Caroline Norma). Melinda is co-founder and Movement Director of the grassroots campaigning movement, Collective Shout: for a world free of sexploitation, exposing corporations, advertisers and marketers who objectify women and sexualise girls to sell products and services. An Ambassador for World Vision Australia, Compassion Australia, HagarNZ and the youth mentoring body the Raise Foundation, Melinda is also Senior Lecturer in the Centre for Culture and Ethics, Notre Dame University, Sydney.

Introduction Melinda Tankard Reist He chose porn over me. Courtney CatEarth He used me like a blow-up doll. Florence The pornography warped his mind. He believed all women wanted to have sex with him. Sarah I left my first husband because of porn. My second husband promised he didn’ t use it. He lied. Catherine They looked like his students. Ceratonia How can he say he loves me if he finds the women in porn more attractive? Amalia I longed for intimacy, but he could not have sex without imagining that I was a prostitute. Annie I lost touch with my integrity, I lost my bearings. Sharni I was being groomed to become a porn star in the bedroom. Maggie If you stay … a glimpse into your future if you marry a porn addict. Sarah McDugal You’ ve burned down my house and everything in it. Ginger He tried to kill me. Moriah Porn, sex chat rooms, nude beaches … but I was blamed for the end of our marriage. Maya The compromise to my integrity and my value as a woman felt too great to continue this life with him. Carla I am a broken woman … I guess he’ s happy enough with his digital girls. Evelyn I was disturbed that I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed getting off on abuse and hatred of women. Gemma I knew in my heart that staying would be a slow, agonising death. Serena I felt blackmailed into sex to keep a stable home for my children. I saw myself as a prostitute. Lucy He expected me to be up for sex at any time. Rivka Blood rushed to my face, my body went cold: I found multiple searches for ‘ teen porn’ . Angie I had always taught my kids about stranger danger, but I had a monster in our home. Maree I was told it was my fault. Somehow he became the victim. Kate He told me I was being unreasonable, that all men watch porn, and that all men masturbate … Renee Run like your house is on fire. Melissa He expected me to be available for him, even if I was sick, tired, had my period, recovering from surgery or having a baby. Tash Glossary Resources