How Not to Kill Your Baby

The undisputed heavyweight champ of pregnancy books, Heidi Murkoff's What To Expect When You're Expectinghas sold more than 20 million copies worldwide--more than The Horse Whispereror The Cat In the Hat. For that matter, it's also outsold Mein Kampfand The Communist Manifesto--and in some circles, it arouses almost as much ire. It's so full of cautionary tales and worst-case scenarios that mothers--and fathers-to-be begin to wonder whether their poor, helpless children will ever make it to adulthood. And it's not the only offender. For instance, The American Academy of Pediatrics' Caring For Your Baby And Young Childhas sold more than 4 million copies offering such cheerful advice as "children can develop a serious brain injury after a seemingly minor bump on the head." Enter How Not to Kill Your Baby. This hilarious parody takes the entire genre so far over the top that, at long last, parents can laugh instead of cry, thanks to advice such as: * As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back. * It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: Simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age.

Jacob Sager Weinstein has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Cracked.com, and is a former contributor to The Onion. He's also written for HBO, NBC, and the BBC.

Jacob and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn't paying attention and the baby carriage rolled into the Regent's Park Duck Pond, neither of his kids was in it. What more could you want from a parenting expert?