I'll Mature When I'm Dead : Dave Barry's

The New York Timesbestse;;er from "the funniest man in America" (New York Times). Not everyone has to be dragged kicking and screaming through adulthood. Let Pulitzer Prizewinning humorist and nationally unrecognized voice of maturity Dave Barry make the journey a little easier-and a lot funnier-with his hilarious takes on parenting, changing self-image, the battle of the sexes, technology, health care, celebrityhood-and even vampires!

Dave Barry is a humor columnist. For 25 years he was a syndicated columnist whose work appeared in more than 500 newspapers in the United States and abroad. In 1988 he won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened.

Dave has also written a total of 25 books, although virtually none of them contain useful information. Two of his books were used as the basis for the CBS TV sitcom "Dave's World," in which Harry Anderson played a much taller version of Dave.

Dave plays lead guitar in a literary rock band called the Rock Bottom Remainders, whose other members include Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson and Mitch Albom. They are not musically skilled, but they are extremely loud. Dave has also made many TV appearances, including one on the David Letterman show where he proved that it is possible to set fire to a pair of men's underpants with a Barbie doll.

In his spare time, Dave is a candidate for president of the United States. If elected, his highest priority will be to seek the death penalty for whoever is responsible for making Americans install low-flow toilets.

Dave lives in Miami, Florida, with his wife, Michelle, a sportswriter. He has a son, Rob, and a daughter, Sophie, neither of whom thinks he's funny.

Introduction	p. xi
The Elephant and the Dandelion: (A Defense of Men)	p. 1
If You Will Just Shut Up, I Can Explain: A Man Answers Questions from Women	p. 15
The Heart of Dadness: A Letter to a First-Time-Father-to-Be	p. 31
Dance Recital	p. 45
Technology	p. 53
Solving the Celebrity Problem	p. 65
Tips for Visiting Miami: No. 1: Are You Insane?	p. 79
Dog Ownership for Beginners	p. 93
My Hollywood Career: The Big Dumpster	p. 105
24: The Ultimate Script	p. 127
The Full Coward Package	p. 157
The Health-Care Crisis: Wash Your Hands After Reading This	p. 167
Colonoscopy	p. 187
A Practical, Workable Plan for Saving the Newspaper Business: I Sure Don't Have One	p. 199
Judaism for Christians	p. 215
Fangs of Endearment: A Vampire Novel	p. 225
A Festival of Grimness	p. 253
Father of the Groom	p. 265
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I'll Mature When I'm Dead : Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials