The Innocents Abroad

, by Twain, Mark; Quirk, Tom; Cardwell, Guy

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ISBN: 9780142437087 | 0142437085
Cover: Paperback
Copyright: 7/30/2002

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The Innocents Abroad sold over 70,000 copies in its first year and remained the best-selling of Twain's works throughout his lifetime. This classic records Twain's keen wit and amusing observations during his trip through&Europe and the Holy Land in 1867. Edition also includes all of original work's charming illustrations. 234 black-and-white illustrations

Introduction

xix

Suggestions for Further Reading

xli

Note on the Text

xliii

Map: The Voyage of The Quaker City

xlv

The Innocents Abroad

(2)

Preface

(2)

Chapter I

(7)

Popular Talk of the Excursion

Programme of the Trip

Duly Ticketed for the Excursion

Defection of the Celebrities

Chapter II

(4)

Grand Preparations

An Imposing Dignitary

The European Exodus

Mr. Blucher's Opinion

Stateroom No. 10

The Assembling of the Clans

At Sea at Last

Chapter III

(4)

``Averaging'' the Passengers

``Far, Far at Sea''

Tribulation Among the Patriarchs

Seeking Amusement Under Difficulties

Five Captains in the Ship

Chapter IV

(7)

The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated

Pilgrim Life at Sea

``Horse-Billiards''

The ``Synagogue''

The Writing

School

Jack's ``Journal''

The ``Q.C. Club''

The Magic Lantern

State Ball on Deck

Mock Trials

Charades

Pilgrim Solemnity

Slow Music

The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

Chapter V

(6)

Summer in Mid

Atlantic

An Eccentric Moon

Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence

The Mystery of ``Ship Time''

The Denizens of the Deep

``Land-Ho!''

The First Landing on a Foreign Shore

Sensation Among the Natives

Something About the Azores Islands

Blucher's Disastrous Dinner

The Happy Result

Chapter VI

(6)

Solid Information

A Fossil Community

Curious Ways and Customs

Jesuit Humbuggery

Fantastic Pilgrimizing

Origin of the Russ Pavement

Squaring Accounts with the Fossils

At Sea Again

Chapter VII

(11)

A Tempest at Night

Spain and Africa on Exhibition

Greeting a Majestic Stranger

The Pillars of Hercules

The Rock of Gibraltar

Tiresome Repetition

``The Queen's Chair''

Serenity Conquered

Curiosities of the Secret Caverns

Personnel of Gibraltar

Some Odd Characters

A Private Frolic in Africa

Bearding a Moorish Garrison (Without Loss of Life)

Vanity Rebuked

Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

Chapter VIII

(5)

The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco

Strange Sights

A Cradle of Antiquity

We Become Wealthy

How They Rob the Mail in Africa

The Danger of Being Opulent in Morocco

Chapter IX

(5)

A Pilgrim in Deadly Peril

How They Mended the Clock

Moorish Punishments for Crime

Marriage Customs

Looking Several Ways for Sunday

Shrewd Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims

Reverence for Cats

Bliss of Being a Consul

General

Chapter X

(7)

Fourth of July at Sea

Mediterranean Sunset

The ``Oracle'' Is Delivered of an Opinion

Celebration Ceremonies

The Captain's Speech

France in Sight

The Ignorant Native

In Marseilles

Another Blunder

Lost in the Great City

Found Again

A Frenchy Scene

Chapter XI

(5)

Getting ``Used to It''

No Soap

Bill of Fare, Table d'Hote

``An American, Sir!''

A Curious Discovery

The ``Pilgrim'' Bird

Strange Companionship

A Grave of the Living

A Long Captivity

Some of Dumas's Heroes

Dungeon of the Famous ``Iron Mask''

Chapter XII

(10)

A Holiday Flight Through France

Summer Garb of the Landscape

Abroad on the Great Plains

Peculiarities of French Cars

French Politeness

American Railway Officials

``Thirty Minutes to Dinner!'' Why There Are No Accidents

The ``Old Travelers''

Still on the Wing

Paris at Last

French Order and Quiet

Place of the Bastile

Seeing the Sights

A Barbarous Atrocity

Absurd Billiards

Chapter XIII

(9)

More Trouble

Monsieur Billfinger

Christening the Frenchman

In the Clutches of a Paris Guide

The International Exposition Fine Military Review

Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

Chapter XIV

(7)

The Venerable Cathedral of Notre

Dame Jean Sans

Peur's Addition

Treasures and Sacred Relics

The Legend of the Cross

The Morgue

The Outrageous Can

Can

Blondin Aflame

The Louvre Palace

The Great Park

Showy Pageantry

Preservation of Noted Things

Chapter XV

(10)

French National Burying

Ground Among the Great Dead

The Shrine of Disappointed Love

The Story of Abelard and Heloise

``English Spoken Here''

``American Drinks Prepared Here''

Imperial Honors to an American

The Over Estimated Grisette

Departure from Paris A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

Chapter XVI

108

(5)

Versailles

Paradise Regained A Wonderful Park

Paradise Lost

Napoleonic Strategy

Chapter XVII

113

(8)

War

The American Forces Victorious

``Home Again''

Italy in Sight

The ``City of Palaces''

Beauty of the Genoese Women

The ``Stub-Hunters''

Among the Palaces

Gifted Guide

Church Magnificence

``Women Not Admitted''

How the Genoese Live

Massive Architecture

A Scrap of Ancient History

Graves for 60,000

Chapter XVIII

121

(8)

Flying Through Italy

Marengo

First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral

Description of Some of Its Wonders

A Horror Carved in Stone

An Unpleasant Adventure

A Good Man A Sermon from the Tomb

Tons of Gold and Silver

Some More Holy Relics

Solomon's Temple Rivaled

Chapter XIX

129

(12)

``Do You Wis Zo Haut Can Be?''

La Scala

Petrarch and Laura

Lucrezia Borgia

Ingenious Frescoes

Ancient Roman Amphitheatre

A Clever Delusion

Distressing Billiards

The Chief Charm of European Life

An Italian Bath

Wanted: Soap

Crippled French

Mutilated English

The Most Celebrated Painting in the World

Amateur Raptures

Uninspired Critics Anecdote

A Wonderful Echo

A Kiss for a Franc

Chapter XX

141

(6)

Rural Italy by Rail

Fumigated, According to Law

The Sorrowing Englishman

Night by the Lake of Como

The Famous Lake

Its Scenery

Como Compared with Tahoe

Meeting a Shipmate

Chapter XXI

147

(7)

The Pretty Lago di Lecco

A Carriage Drive in the Country

Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman

A Sleepy Land

Bloody Shrines

The Heart and Home of Priestcraft

A Thrilling Medieval Romance

The Birthplace of Harlequin Approaching Venice

Chapter XXII

154

(9)

Night in Venice

The ``Gay Gondolier''

The Grand Fete by Moonlight

The Notable Sights of Venice

The Mother of the Republics Desolate

Chapter XXIII

163

(12)

The Famous Gondola

The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect

The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion

Snobs, at Home and Abroad

Sepulchres of the Great Dead

A Tilt at the ``Old Masters''

A Contraband Guide

The Conspiracy

Moving Again

Chapter XXIV

175

(8)

Down Through Italy by Rail

Idling in Florence

Dante and Galileo

An Ungrateful City

Dazzling Generosity

Wonderful Mosaics

The Historical Arno

Lost Again

Found Again, but No Fatted Calf Ready

The Leaning Tower of Pisa

The Ancient Duomo

The Old Original First Pendulum That Ever Swung

An Enchanting Echo

A New Holy Sepulchre

A Relic of Antiquity

A Fallen Republic

At Leghorn

At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship

Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion

Gen. Garibaldi Visited

Threats of Quarantine

Chapter XXV

183

(8)

The Works of Bankruptcy

Railway Grandeur

How to Fill an Empty Treasury

The Sumptuousness of Mother Church

Ecclesiastical Splendor

Magnificence and Misery

General Execration

More Magnificence A

Good Word for the Priests

Civita Vecchia the Dismal

Off for Rome

Chapter XXVI

191

(16)

The Modern Roman on His Travels

The Grandeur of St. Peter's

Holy Relics

Grand View from the Dome

The Holy Inquisition

Interesting Old Monkish Frauds

The Ruined Coliseum

The Coliseum in the Days of Its Prime

Ancient Play

bill of a Coliseum Performance

A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1,700 Years Old

Chapter XXVII

207

(11)

``Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday''

The Man Who Never Complained

An Exasperating Subject

Asinine Guides

The Roman Catacombs

The Saint Whose Fervor Burst His Ribs

The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart

The Legend of Ara Cæli

Chapter XXVIII

218

(8)

Picturesque Horrors

The Legend of Brother Thomas

Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed

A Festive Company of the Dead

The Great Vatican Museum

Artist Sins of Omission

The Rape of the Sabines

Papal Protection of Art

High Price of ``Old Masters''

Improved Scripture

Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome

Scale of Honors Accorded Them

Fossilizing

Away for Naples

Chapter XXIX

226

(5)

Naples

In Quarantine at Last Annunciation

Ascent of Mount Vesuvius A Two

Cent Community

The Black Side of Neapolitan Character

Monkish Miracles

Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

The Stranger and the Hackman

Night View of Naples from the Mountain

side Ascent of Vesuvius Continued

Chapter XXX

231

(8)

Ascent of Vesuvius Continued

Beautiful View at Dawn

Less Beautiful View in the Back Streets

Ascent of Vesuvius Continued

Dwellings a Hundred Feet High

A Motley Procession

Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast

Princely Salaries

Ascent of Vesuvius Continued

An Average of Prices

The Wonderful ``Blue Grotto''

Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples

The Poisoned ``Grotto of the Dog''

A Petrified Sea of Lava

The Ascent Continued

The Summit Reached

Description of the Crater

Descent of Vesuvius

Chapter XXXI

239

(8)

The Buried City of Pompeii

How Dwellings Appear That Have Been Unoccupied for Eighteen Hundred Years

The Judgment Seat

Desolation

The Footprints of the Departed

``No Women Admitted''

Theatres, Bake

shops, Schools, etc.

Skeletons Preserved by the Ashes and Cinders

The Brave Martyr to Duty

Rip Van Winkle

The Perishable Nature of Fame

Chapter XXXII

247

(12)

At Sea Once More

The Pilgrims All Well

Superb Stromboli

Sicily by Moonlight

Scylla and Charybdis

The ``Oracle'' at Fault

Skirting the Isles of Greece

Ancient Athens

Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter

Running the Blockade

A Bloodless Midnight Adventure

Turning Robbers from Necessity

Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm

We Fail

Among the Glories of the Past

A World of Ruined Sculpture

A Fairy Vision

Famous Localities

Retreating in Good Order

Captured by the Guards

Traveling in Military State

Safe on Board Again

Chapter XXXIII

259

(10)

Modern Greece

Fallen Greatness

Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles

Footprints of History

The First Shoddy Contractor of Whom History Gives Any Account

Anchored Before Constantinople

Fantastic Fashions

The Ingenious Goose

Rancher

Marvelous Cripples

The Great Mosque

The Thousand and One Columns

The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

Chapter XXXIV

269

(11)

Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey

Slave-Girl Market Report

Commercial Morality at a Discount

The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople

Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey

Ingenious Italian Journalism

No More Turkish Lunches Desired

The Turkish Bath Fraud

The Narghili Fraud

Jackplaned by a Native

The Turkish Coffee Fraud

Chapter XXXV

280

(5)

Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea

``Far-Away Moses''

Melancholy Sebastopol

Hospitably Received in Russia

Pleasant English People

Desperate Fighting

Relic Hunting

How Travelers Form ``Cabinets''

Chapter XXXVI

285

(3)

Nine Thousand Miles East

Imitation American

Town in Russia

Gratitude That Came Too Late

To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

Chapter XXXVII

288

(10)

Summer Home of Royalty

Practicing for the Dread Ordeal

Committee on Imperial Address

Reception by the Emperor and Family

Dresses of the Imperial Party

Concentrated Power

Counting the Spoons

At the Grand Duke's

A Charming Villa

A Knightly Figure

The Grand Duchess

A Grand Ducal Breakfast

Baker's Boy, the Famine

Breeder

Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud

Saved as by Fire

The Governor General's Visit to the Ship

Official ``Style''

Aristocratic Visitors

``Munchausenizing'' with Them

Closing Ceremonies

Chapter XXXVIII

298

(7)

Return to Constantinople

We Sail for Asia

The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors

Ancient Smyrna

The ``Oriental Splendor'' Fraud

The ``Biblical Crown of Life''

Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans

Sociable Armenian Girls

A Sweet Reminiscence

``The Camels Are Coming, Ha-ha!''

Chapter XXXIX

305

(5)

Smyrna's Lions

The Martyr Polycarp

The ``Seven Churches''

Remains of the Six Smyrnas

Mysterious Oyster Mine

Oysters Seeking Scenery

A Millerite Tradition

A Railroad Out of Its Sphere

Chapter XL

310

(8)

Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus

Ancient Ayassalook

The Villainous Donkey

A Fantastic Procession

Bygone Magnificence

Fragments of History

The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

Chapter XLI

318

(6)

Vandalism Prohibited

Angry Pilgrims

Approaching Holy Land!

The ``Shrill Note of Preparation''

Distress About Dragomans and Transportation

The ``Long Route'' Adopted

In Syria

Something About Beirout

A Choice Specimen of a Greek ``Ferguson''

Outfits

Hideous Horseflesh

Pilgrim ``Style''

What of Aladdin's Lamp?

Chapter XLII

324

(6)

``Jacksonville,'' in the Montains of Lebanon

Breakfasting Above a Grand Panorama

The Vanished City

The Peculiar Steed, ``Jericho''

The Pilgrim's Progress

Bible Scenes

Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle

Fields, etc.

The Tomb of Noah

A Most Unfortunate People

Chapter XLIII

330

(6)

Patriarchal Customs

Magnificent Baalbec

Description of the Ruins

Scribbling Smiths and Joneses

Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law

The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass

Chapter XLIV

336

(10)

Extracts from Note-Book

Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's

Beautiful Damascus, the Oldest City on Earth

Oriental Scenes Within the Curious Old City

Damascus Street Car

The Story of St. Paul

The ``Street Called Straight''

Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's

The Christian Massacre

Mohammedan Dread of Pollution

The House of Naaman

The Horrors of Leprosy

Chapter XLV

346

(11)

The Cholera Way of Variety

Hot

Another Outlandish Procession

Pen-and-Ink Photographs of ``Jonesborough,'' Syria

Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter

The Stateliest Ruin of All

Stepping over the Borders of Holy Land

Bathing in the Sources of Jordan

More ``Specimen'' Hunting

Ruins of Cesarea-Philippi

``On This Rock Will I Build My Church''

The People the Disciples Knew

The Noble Steed ``Baalbec''

Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs0

Chapter XLVI

357

(8)

Dan

Bashan

Genessaret

A Notable Panorama

Smallness of Palestine

Scraps of History

Character of the Country

Bedouin Shepherds

Glimpses of the Hoary Past

Mr. Grimes's Bedouins

A Battle

Ground of Joshua

That Soldier's Manner of Fighting

Barak's Battle

The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things

Desolation

Chapter XLVII

365

(12)

Jack's Adventure

Joseph's Pit

The Story of Joseph

Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's

The Sacred Lake of Genessaret

Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims

Why We Did Not Sail on Galilee

About Capernaum

Concerning the Saviour's Brothers and Sisters

Journeying Toward Magdala

Chapter XLVIII

377

(9)

Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture

Public Reception of the Pilgrims

Mary Magdalen's House

Tiberias and Its Queer Inhabitants

The Sacred Sea of Galilee

Galilee by Night

Chapter XLIX

386

(9)

The Ancient Baths

Ye Apparition

A Distinguished Panorama

The Last Battle of the Crusades

The Story of the Lord of Kerak

Mount Tabor

What One Sees from Its Top

A Memory of a Wonderful Garden

The House of Deborah the Prophetess

Chapter L

395

(9)

Toward Nazareth

Bitten by a Camel

Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth

Noted Grottoes in General

Joseph's Workshop

A Sacred Bowlder

The Fountain of the Virgin

Questionable Female Beauty

Literary Curiosities

Chapter LI

404

(12)

The Boyhood of the Saviour

Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims

Home of the Witch of Endor

Nain

Profanation

A Popular Oriental Picture

Biblical Metaphors Becoming Steadily More Intelligible

The Shunem Miracle

The ``Free Son of the Desert''

Ancient Jezreel

Jehu's Achievements

Samaria and Its Famous Siege

Chapter LII

416

(6)

A Curious Remnant of the Past

Shechem

The Oldest ``First Family'' on Earth

The Oldest Manuscript Extant

The Genuine Tomb of Joseph

Jacob's Well

Shiloh

Camping with the Arabs

Jacob's Ladder

More Desolation

Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, the Fountain of Beira

Impatience

Approaching Jerusalem

The Holy City in Sight

Noting Its Prominent Features

Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls

Chapter LIII

422

(13)

``The Joy of the Whole Earth''

Description of Jerusalem

Church of the Holy Sepulchre

The Stone of Unction

The Grave of Jesus

Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea

Places of the Apparition

The Finding of the Three Crosses

The Legend

Monkish Impostures

The Pillar of Flagellation

The Place of a Relic

Godfrey's Sword

``The Bonds of Christ''

``The Centre of the Earth''

Place Whence the Dust Was Taken of Which Adam Was Made

Grave of Adam

The Martyred Soldier

The Copper Plate That Was on the Cross

The Good St. Helena

Place of the Division of the Garments

St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief

The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution

Grotto Wherein the Crosses Were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns

Chapel of the Mocking

Tomb of Melchizedek

Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders

The Place of the Crucifixion

Chapter LIV

435

(10)

The ``Sorrowful Way''

The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief

An Illustrious Stone

House of the Wandering Jew

The Tradition of the Wanderer

Solomon's Temple

Mosque of Omar

Moslem Traditions

``Women Not Admitted''

The Fate of a Gossip

Turkish Sacred Relics Judgment Seat of David and Saul

Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple

Surfeited with Sights

The Pool of Siloam

The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities

Chapter LV

445

(15)

Rebellion in the Camp

Charms of Nomadic Life

Dismal Rumors

En Route for Jericho and the Dead Sea

Pilgrim Strategy

Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus

``Bedouins!''

Ancient Jericho

Misery

The Night March

The Dead Sea

An Idea of What a ``Wilderness'' in Palestine Is

The Holy Hermits of Mars Saba

Good St. Saba

Women Not Admitted

Buried from the World for All Time

Unselfish Catholic Benevolence

Gazelles

The Plain of the Shepherds

Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem

Church of the Nativity

Its Hundred Holy Places

The Famous ``Milk'' Grotto

Tradition

Return to Jerusalem

Exhausted

Chapter LVI

460

(4)

Departure from Jerusalem

The Plain of Sharon

Arrival at Jaffa

House of Simon the Tanner

The Long Pilgrimage Ended

Character of Palestine Scenery

The Curse

Chapter LVII

464

(7)

The Happiness of Being at Sea Once More

``Home'' as It Is in a Pleasure-Ship

``Shaking Hands'' with the Vessel

Jack in Costume

His Father's Parting Advice

Approaching Egypt

Ashore in Alexandria

A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys

Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America

End of the Celebrated ``Jaffa Colony''

Scenes in Grand Cairo

Shepheard's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel

Preparing for the Pyramids

Chapter LVIII

471

(13)

``Recherche'' Donkeys

A Wild Ride

Specimens of Egyptian Modesty

Moses in the Bulrushes

Place Where the Holy Family Sojourned

Distant View of the Pyramids

A Nearer View

The Ascent

Superb View from the Top of the Pyramid

``Bucksheesh! Bucksheesh!''

An Arab Exploit

In the Bowels of the Pyramid

Strategy

Reminiscence of ``Holliday's Hill''

Boyish Exploit

The Majestic Sphynx

Things the Author Will Not Tell

Grand Old Egypt

Chapter LIX

484

(3)

Going Home

A Demoralized Note

Book

A Boy's Diary

Mere Mention of Old Spain

487

(3)

Departure from Cadiz

A Deserved Rebuke

The Beautiful Madeiras

Tabooed

In the Delightful Bermudas An English Welcome

Good-bye to ``Our Friends the Bermudians''

Packing Trunks for Home

Our First Accident

The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close

At Home Amen

LXI

490

(7)

Thankless Devotion

A Newspaper Valedictory

Conclusion

497

(4)

Explanatory Notes

501

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The Innocents Abroad

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials