Parent Grief: Narratives of Loss and

Explores what couple and individual stories say and do not say about the child's dying and death and about parent grief. The author uses narratives as his tool for the introduction and exploration of the many facets of parental grief.

Paul C. Rosenblatt, Ph.D., is Morse-Alumni Teaching Professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.

Preface

xi

Acknowledgments

xv

The Narratives of Bereaved Parents

1

(14)

Domains of Bereaved Parent Narrative

2

(4)

Common Domains

2

(1)

Areas that Never or Hardly Ever Become a Domain

2

(2)

Relations among Common Domains

4

(1)

What Is Gained from Organizing Narratives in Domains

5

(1)

What Can Be Gained by Studying Bereaved Parent Narrative

6

(1)

What Parents Say Is Rooted in Culture and Community

7

(3)

Parent Grief Is Relational

10

(1)

The Language of Grief Theories

10

(2)

Studying Language Using Language

12

(1)

Summary

13

(2)

Coming to a Couple Language about the Death

15

(12)

Immediate Pressure to Construct New Realities

15

(2)

Numbness and Having No Reality to Draw On

17

(1)

Shared Couple Narratives

18

(7)

Searching for What Is True and Right

19

(1)

Marital Conversation about the Death

20

(2)

Narratives of Couples Who Had Talked a Lot

22

(3)

Summary

25

(2)

The Story of Dying and Death

27

(36)

Every Parent Had a Story of the Death

27

(1)

Common Contextual Elements

28

(9)

Premonitions and Omens

29

(1)

The Stories Locate Events in Time

29

(1)

The Stories Locate Events in Place and Space

30

(1)

Characterizing the Child

31

(1)

Parents as Players

31

(4)

The Social Setting

35

(2)

The Story of the Dying Process

37

(11)

Dying as a Matter of Learning and Awareness

39

(1)

Metaphors in Talk about the Dying Process

40

(4)

Making Sense of the Actions and Words of Physicians

44

(2)

Morality and Agency in Dying

46

(2)

The End of Life

48

(7)

Last Contact

48

(1)

Last Minutes of the Dying Child

49

(1)

Last Words

50

(1)

The Moment of Death

51

(3)

Reconstructing the Dying and Death

54

(1)

Naming the Cause of Death

55

(2)

What Ifs

57

(1)

Metaphors for Death

58

(3)

Summary

61

(2)

Death Rituals

63

(12)

Baptism

63

(1)

Autopsy

64

(1)

Police Inquiry

64

(1)

Organ Donation

65

(1)

Wakes, Visitations, Funerals, Memorial Services, Burials

66

(6)

Dealing with Funeral Directors

66

(1)

Letting Others Know about the Death

67

(1)

Meaning-Making in Funeral Decisions

68

(1)

Funeral Attendance

69

(2)

Words Said During the Funeral

71

(1)

Burying the Child in a Meaningful Place

71

(1)

Rituals Beyond the Funeral

72

(2)

Summary

74

(1)

Metaphors of Grief Feelings

75

(18)

Grief is an Entity

75

(2)

Grief is Emotionally Draining

77

(1)

Emptiness and Holes

77

(2)

Part of Me Died

79

(1)

This Child Was Special

80

(3)

Loss of the Parent in the Child

82

(1)

A Death So Bad It Kills

83

(1)

A Loss So Bad My Grief Was Out of Control

83

(1)

The Language of Pain

84

(1)

The Language of the Body

85

(2)

Deep Depression and Suicidal Thoughts Measure Grief

87

(1)

The Anger of Grief as Metaphor

88

(1)

Guilt and Blame as Measures of Loss and Grief

88

(1)

The Language of Money

89

(2)

Summary

91

(2)

The Chasm Between Grieving Parents and the World

93

(10)

The Chasm and Where It Comes From

93

(2)

First Encounters with Others Across the Chasm

95

(1)

The Part of Bereaved Parents in Making the Chasm

96

(1)

The Challenge of What to Doabout the Chasm with Others

97

(2)

The Chasm Between Partners

99

(1)

The Chasm Between Life Before the Death and Life After It

100

(1)

Summary

101

(2)

How Parents Explain the Grief Process

103

(20)

Upbringing, Tradition, and Personal Characteristics

103

(6)

Family and Ethnic Foundations

103

(2)

Breaking with the Past

105

(1)

Character and Personality

106

(3)

Parent Metaphors for the Grief Process

109

(12)

The Grief Process as a Measurable Quantity

109

(1)

Coming to Terms

109

(1)

A Journey

110

(5)

Putting Life Back in Order

115

(1)

Surviving

116

(1)

Getting Over It

116

(3)

Healing

119

(1)

Acceptance

120

(1)

Parent Metaphors for a Failed Grief Process

121

(1)

Summary

122

(1)

The Continuing Connection with the Child

123

(16)

The Child Continues in the Parent's Life

123

(1)

Remembering the Child

124

(3)

Keeping Reminders of the Child

127

(2)

Creating Reminders, Memories, Memorials

129

(2)

Interaction with the Child

131

(2)

Continuing to Be the Child's Parent

133

(1)

Continuing the Child's Timeline

134

(1)

Future Reunion with the Child

135

(2)

Summary

137

(2)

Narratives about the Couple Relationship

139

(18)

Talk about Divorce and Emotional Distance from Spouse

139

(5)

Talk about Couple Differences

144

(4)

Talk about Conflict

148

(3)

Becoming a Stronger Couple

151

(1)

Speaking about Sexuality

152

(2)

Summary

154

(3)

Narratives about Parenting Other Children

157

(6)

Grieving and Distance from Surviving Children

157

(1)

``Replacement'' Children

158

(1)

Parenting a Child Who is Grieving

159

(1)

Making the Child Who Died Real for the Child's Siblings

160

(1)

Protective Parenting

160

(1)

Summary

161

(2)

Finding Support

163

(10)

Who Was There

163

(3)

The Support of People Who Have Had Similar Losses

166

(2)

Sorting

168

(2)

Talking to Others about the Death

170

(1)

Summary

171

(2)

Learning What There Is to Say

173

(14)

Learning the Language of Medicine

174

(3)

Learning Through Comparing

177

(4)

Learning from Reading and Song

181

(2)

Limiting Learning-Not Wanting to Learn More

183

(1)

Limits to Learning-When There Is No Language

184

(1)

Summary

185

(2)

Meaning and Meaning-Making

187

(20)

Grieving as a Process of Finding Meaning

187

(1)

Parent Meaning-Making

188

(16)

What Is Real and Natural and What Is Not

188

(1)

Finding Meaning by Knowing What Has Been Lost

189

(1)

Searching for Positive Meanings

190

(7)

Making Meanings with Things

197

(5)

Making Meanings with Places

202

(2)

Summary

204

(3)

God and Religion

207

(16)

Why Did God Do It? Why Didn't God Help?

208

(8)

The Death as a Challenge to Religious Belief

208

(3)

Parent Responsibility and the Power of Prayer

211

(1)

Resolving the Challenge to Religious Belief

212

(3)

When the Challenge Remains Unresolved

215

(1)

Interacting with God about the Death

216

(2)

The Child Is with God in Heaven

218

(2)

Realities for the Child in Heaven

220

(2)

Summary

222

(1)

Perspectives on Parent Narratives and Society

223

(8)

Parent Narratives

223

(2)

What Parent Narratives Say about U.S. Society

225

(6)

Money-Earning Work Comes First

225

(1)

The Primacy of Social Order

226

(1)

The Privatization of Tragedy

226

(1)

The Failure of Communal Empathy

227

(1)

The Array of Frames for Dealing with Tragedy

228

(3)

References

231

(6)

Appendix. Methodological Details

237

(12)

Finding Parents to Interview

237

(1)

The Interviews

237

(2)

The Parents in This Book

239

(1)

Narrative Analysis

240

(2)

Validity

242

(2)

An Interview Guide

244

(5)

Index

249

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Parent Grief: Narratives of Loss and Relationship

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials