Raising an Optimistic Child A Proven Plan for

The most precious gift you can give your children isn't a generous trust fund or a top-notch education-it's the resiliency and unwavering sense of optimism that allow them to thrive no matter what challenges life sends their way. In Raising an Optimistic Child, you'll learn how to bring about lifelong happiness in your child-even if only an infant-and protect him or her from the pain and damage of depression.

Bob Murray, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, leading corporate consultant, and coauthor of Creating Optimism. He has published articles in popular and professional journals on depression, psychology, and relationships. Murray has produced award-winning programs for the BBC as well as programs for NBC and CBS.

Alicia Fortinberry is a psychotherapist, leading corporate consultant, and coauthor of Creating Optimism. She is published in major magazines including Psychology Today, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Parade.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ix

INTRODUCTION

xi

AUTHORS' NOTE

xv

PART I UNDERSTANDING AND PREVENTING DEPRESSION IN CHILDREN

1. The Key to Parenting an Optimistic Child

3

(10)

The Depression Epidemic

4

(1)

Depression and Anxiety in the Modern Family

5

(1)

At Odds with Our Genes

6

(1)

Secrets of Optimistic Families

7

(6)

2. The Neural Circuitry of Happiness

13

(12)

The Attachment Dialogue

13

(1)

Childhood Programming

14

(2)

Ages and Stages: From Zero to Six

16

(9)

3. The Real Causes of Childhood (and Later) Depression

25

(14)

Depression in the Womb

25

(1)

Is Your Child Depressed?

26

(3)

Depression Causes

29

(1)

Depression Triggers in Young Children

29

(2)

Three Degrees of Separation

31

(3)

Trauma and the Child's Brain

34

(1)

Why Antidepressants Aren't the Answer

34

(5)

PART II SEVEN STEPS TO DEPRESSION-PROOF YOUR CHILD—FOR LIFE

4. Step 1: Don't Let Your Inner Saboteur Affect Your Family

39

(10)

Understanding Idealization

40

(1)

Avoiding Transference

41

(2)

Discovering Dysfunctional Coping Mechanisms

43

(1)

Re-Creating the Past

44

(1)

Defeating the Inner Saboteur

45

(4)

5. Step 2: Determine a Healthy Balance Between Work and Family

49

(14)

Your Parenting Priority Plan

50

(1)

Evaluate Parental Programming

51

(1)

Choose a Supportive Work Life

52

(5)

Factor in Parental Well-Being

57

(2)

Allocate Tasks, Roles, and Budget

59

(2)

Plan Ongoing Evaluation and Review

61

(2)

6. Step 3: Build a Nexus of Supportive Relationships Around Yourself and Your Child

63

(14)

Healthy Interdependence

64

(1)

Needs-Based Dialogue

65

(3)

Identifying Your Needs

68

(2)

Needs Work!

70

(1)

Boundaries Versus Barriers

71

(1)

Guidelines for Exchanging Needs

72

(1)

Listening to Your Child's Needs and Giving Yours

73

(4)

7. Step 4: Set Up a Clear Process for Family Decision-Making

77

(8)

Consensus Decision-Making

78

(1)

Bringing Children into the Decision-Making Process

78

(2)

The Family Powwow

80

(1)

Empowering All Family Members

81

(1)

Putting Family Powwows into Practice

82

(1)

A Forum for Needs

83

(2)

8. Step 5: Establish Rules, Roles, and Rituals

85

(14)

House Rules

86

(2)

Parental Agreements

88

(1)

Order in the House

89

(1)

Enforcing the Rules

89

(2)

Defining Roles

91

(2)

Father's Role in Modern Families

93

(2)

Roles and Responsibilities for Young Children

95

(1)

Bonding Rituals

96

(3)

9. Step 6: Create a Family Culture of Appropriate Praise

99

(10)

Appropriate Praise

99

(3)

Bad Praise

102

(1)

Practicing Praise

103

(1)

Never Criticize

104

(1)

Curiosity and Involvement

105

(4)

10. Step 7: Develop and Nurture Shared Values and Beliefs

109

(12)

False Values

110

(1)

Teaching Positive Values

111

(1)

Family Mission Statement

112

(2)

Values for Happiness

114

(1)

Spirituality: The Ultimate Antidepressant

115

(1)

Spirituality in Practice

116

(5)

PART III APPLYING OPTIMISTIC PARENTING STRATEGIES TO COMMON CHALLENGES

11. Preventing the Consequences of Parental Depression

121

(14)

Dealing with Your Depression

122

(1)

Admit Your Problem and Seek Help

123

(6)

Monitor Your Behavior

129

(1)

Build Your Self-Esteem

130

(2)

Express Appropriate Optimism

132

(3)

12. More Optimistic Parenting Skills

135

(8)

The Five Principles of HAPPY Parenting

136

(1)

Encourage "Having a Go"

136

(1)

Accepting Success and Failure

137

(2)

Practice and Perseverance

139

(1)

Planning for the Best Outcome

140

(2)

Getting to Yes!

142

(1)

13. Overcoming Attention Deficit Disorders Without Drugs

143

(12)

The Diagnosis Dilemma

144

(1)

Medicating Childhood

145

(1)

Overcoming ADD/ADHD Behavior

146

(1)

Cultivate Patience

146

(3)

Maintain Firm Boundaries

149

(1)

Promote Active Play

150

(1)

Surround Your Child with Nature

151

(1)

Devote Your Time

152

(3)

14. Depression -Proofing the Body

155

(8)

Negative Body Image

156

(1)

Programmed by TV

157

(1)

Your Depression and Her Obesity

158

(1)

Teaching Good Body Image and Awareness

159

(2)

Healthy Exercise in Nature

161

(2)

15. Managing Difficult Transitions

163

(10)

Magical Thinking and Magical Guilt

163

(1)

Divorce and Separation

164

(3)

Introducing a Second Child

167

(3)

A Death in the Family

170

(3)

16. Tips for Blended Families and Single Parents

173

(8)

Blended Families

173

(3)

Single Parents Living Alone

176

(2)

Multigenerational Families

178

(1)

Cohabiting Families

179

(2)

17. Monitoring Outside Influences

181

(14)

Media: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

182

(1)

Terrorism and Traumatic Events

183

(1)

Sponsorship and Advertising

184

(2)

Bullies and Victims

186

(2)

Antibullying Strategies

188

(1)

Choosing Appropriate Child Care

189

(6)

CONCLUSION

195

(2)

ENDNOTES

197

(24)

BIBLIOGRAPHY

221

(4)

INDEX

225

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Raising an Optimistic Child A Proven Plan for Depression-Proofing Young Children--For Life

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials