Secrets You Keep from Yourself How to Stop

This insightful guide is an exploration of how and why people undermine their happiness and lose touch with their "best" selves. Counterproductive self-deception, a universal behavior, is a habit that can be broken. People keep themselves from having what they want, a phenomenon known as "self-handicapping." Offering poignant examples, innovative tools, and a compassionate perspective, Dan Neuharth reveals how to vanquish self-imposed roadblocks and avoid unnecessary losses in order to embrace and share the best in oneself.

Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. is the author of the national bestseller, If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. He has appeared on national broadcast media, including Oprah, Good Morning America, and CNN's Talkback Live. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay area.

To the Reader

xiii

Introduction: Do You Stop Yourself Short of Happiness and Fulfillment?

1

(8)

PART ONE: The Secrets We Keep

9

(52)

1: Who Are You When You're Not Being Yourself?

11

(21)

How Self-deception Works

13

(2)

Everybody Keeps Secrets

15

(1)

Self-deception Takes Many Forms

16

(5)

Unnecessary Complications

21

(2)

Creating "Wake-up" Calls

23

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Identifying Your Customary Approaches to Challenges

24

(8)

2: A Litmus Test for Self-sabotage

32

(8)

Misleading

35

(1)

Distracting

36

(1)

Overreacting

37

(1)

Abandoning

37

(1)

Self-awareness Tool #1: When in Doubt, Apply the Litmus Test

38

(2)

3: Why We Get in Our Own Way

40

(11)

Misguided Loss-avoidance

43

(2)

Self-awareness Tool #2: Look for the Loss

45

(1)

The Benefits of Self-sabotage

45

(6)

4: Your "Subterranean Accountant"

51

(10)

Fuzzy Math

52

(3)

Black-market Economics

55

(3)

Recalculating Your Subterranean Accountant's Math

58

(1)

Summary of Part One: The Secrets We Keep

59

(2)

PART TWO: How to Recognize the Early-warning Signs of Self-sabotage

61

(44)

5: Taming the Beasts Within

63

(5)

Self-awareness Tool #3: Observe Your Animal Nature

66

(2)

6: Caught with Your Hand in the Cookie Jar

68

(4)

7: Your "Usual Suspects"

72

(6)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Rounding Up Your Usual Suspects

73

(5)

8: Your Inner "Cast of Characters"

78

(27)

Moviemaker

82

(2)

Indulger

84

(2)

Persuader

86

(2)

Dr. No

88

(1)

Mini-Me

89

(2)

Capt. Superior

91

(1)

Escape Artist

92

(2)

King Kong

94

(2)

Dramateer

96

(2)

Managing Your Inner Characters

98

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Detecting Your Inner Characters

99

(4)

A Word about Destructive Patterns

103

(1)

Summary of Part Two: How to Recognize the Early-warning Signs of Self-sabotage

104

(1)

PART THREE: How to Minimize Your Unnecessary Losses

105

(64)

9: The Facts of Life

107

(14)

Existential Dilemmas

108

(1)

Self-handicapping Fight-or-flight Reactions"

109

(2)

Increased Stress and Health Problems

111

(1)

Difficulty Coping with Limitations

112

(1)

An Emotional Roller Coaster of Expectation and Disappointment

113

(2)

Trouble Balancing Others' Needs with Your Own

115

(1)

Self-awareness Tool #4: Take Stock of Your Roots in Infancy

116

(1)

Denial of Your Mortality

116

(4)

The Facts of Life, Revisited

120

(1)

10: Your Personal "Defense Department"

121

(6)

Challenging Your Denial

122

(2)

Dissolving Your Denial

124

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Unmasking Denial

125

(2)

11: The Truth About Fear

127

(11)

Fear Is a Mental Movie That Gets Stuck at the Worst Part

128

(1)

Fear Highlights Worst-case Scenarios Without Regard to Their Likelihood

129

(2)

Mind FITs

131

(4)

Exploiting Fear's Weak Spots

135

(3)

12: Going to the Heart of Your Fears

138

(11)

Why Identifying Core Fears Is Helpful

142

(1)

Tracking Your Fears

142

(1)

Naming Your Fears

143

(1)

How Core Fears Translate into Action

144

(5)

13: Taking Control of Your Fears

149

(10)

Core Fears Are Perceived Deficits

157

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Identifying the Heart of Your Fears

157

(2)

14: Tools for Fear-busting

159

(10)

Ten Fear-busting Techniques

159

(6)

Fear Versus Courage

165

(1)

Summary of Part Three: How to Minimize Your Unnecessary Losses

166

(3)

PART FOUR: Unearthing the Treasures You Keep from Yourself

169

(48)

15: Moving from Fear to Desire

171

(12)

Self-awareness Tool #5: Reclaim Overlooked, Abandoned, or Forgotten Desires

173

(1)

Core Desires

173

(5)

Promoting Your Core Desires

178

(1)

Embracing the Profound Within You

179

(2)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Clarifying Your Desires

181

(2)

16: Emerging from the Shadows: A Portrait of Your Hidden Self

183

(18)

Cultivating Paradox

184

(1)

Knowing Who You Are

185

(2)

Crafting a Life

187

(1)

Your "Hidden Self"

187

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Painting a Portrait of Your Hidden Self

188

(7)

Building an Accurate Self-image

195

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Acknowledging Your Accomplishments

196

(5)

17: What Matters and What Doesn't

201

(6)

Life Is an Open-book Exam

203

(4)

18: Decoding the Languages of Your Mind, Body, and Heart

207

(10)

What Happens When Your Mind, Body, and Heart Work at Cross-purposes

209

(2)

Recognizing When You're Living out of Balance

211

(1)

Self-awareness Tool #6: Check In with Your "Children"

212

(1)

Clarifying Confusing Situations and Generating Effective Responses

212

(1)

Achieving Optimal Well-being

213

(2)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Learning the Languages of Your Mind, Body, and Heart

215

(1)

Summary of Part Four: Unearthing the Treasures You Keep from Yourself

216

(1)

PART FIVE: Triumphing over Challenges and Adversity

217

(43)

19: What to Do When You're Stuck

219

(13)

Be Specific

220

(1)

Be Precise

220

(1)

Be Honest

221

(1)

Be Thorough

222

(1)

Be Concrete

223

(1)

Be Complete

224

(1)

Be Introspective

225

(2)

Audrey: "I Get Distracted So Easily"

227

(2)

Harold: "When Someone Close to Me Gets Upset, I Feel as if I Have to Fix It"

229

(1)

Angelica: "I'm Not Happy Even Though I've Achieved Much of What I Wanted"

230

(1)

A Reminder about Problem Solving

231

(1)

20: Creating Wake-up Calls by Design

232

(28)

Wake-up-call Generator

232

(7)

Part 1: Recognize Signs of Self-sabotage

232

(2)

Part 2: Cut Challenges Down to Size

234

(3)

Part 3: Increase Your Motivation and Enhance Your Sense of Self

237

(2)

Pam: "Whose Dream Is It, Anyway?"

239

(4)

Carlyle and Roger: "How Can We Recapture the Closeness?"

243

(3)

Dianne: "My Kids Think I'm Supermom"

246

(5)

Greta: "Even Though I Was the One Rejected, I Feel as Though It Was My Fault"

251

(3)

Aaron: "I Can't Seem to Handle My Finances"

254

(3)

A Final Task: Making Peace with Your Self-defeats

257

(2)

Summary of Part Five: Triumphing over Challenges and Adversity

259

(1)

Conclusion: Living from Your Best Self

260

(9)

The Goliath Principle

260

(2)

Don't Take It Personally

262

(1)

Live Beyond Comparison

263

(1)

Listen Deeply

264

(1)

Live as Though You Make a Difference

265

(1)

Live as You Breathe

266

(1)

Practice Gratitude

267

(1)

If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Living from Your Best Self Starting Today

268

(1)

Acknowledgments

269

(2)

Notes

271

(4)

Bibliography

275

(2)

Index

277

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Secrets You Keep from Yourself How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials