You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in

From the author of the bestselling classics Wers"re Just Like You , Only Prettier , and Bless Your Heart, Tramp , comes a collection of essays so funny, yours"ll shoot cors"cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as:'¢ Why Miss North Carolina is too nice to hate'¢ How Gwyneth Paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life'¢ Strapped for cash? Try cat whispering'¢ Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that?'¢ Get yer Wassail on: Itrs"s carolinrs" time'¢ Airlines serving up one hot mess'¢ Action figure Jesus'¢ Why Clay Aiken ainrs"t marrying your glandular daughter'¢ And much more!Complete with a treasure trove of Celiars"s genuine southern recipes,You Canrs"t Drink All Day if You Donrs"t Start in the Morningis sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.

Celia Rivenbark is the author of Belle Weather; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank; We're Just Like You, Only Prettier; and Bless Your Heart, Tramp. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

TB or Not TB: Perfect Attendance Nuts Don't Care	p. 1
Poseable Jesus Meets Poser Ken	p. 11
Let's Go See "Gobbler" Up at the Funeral Home	p. 19
High School Musical Triumphs: Dreams 1, Snot 0	p. 31
Miss North Carolina Is Too Nice to Hate	p. 39
My Manservant Can Kick Your Ass	p. 49
Playing "the Bingo" with A-Cissy and A-Bobby	p. 57
Airlines Serving Up One Hot Mess	p. 65
Gladys Kravitz Would've Loved Her Some Facebook	p. 73
Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Improve Your Pathetic Life	p. 83
Jon & Kate Plus 8 Better Without the Kids	p. 93
Clay Aiken Ain't Marrying Your Glandular Daughter	p. 103
What? Your Preacher Doesn't Stand on a Bucket?	p. 113
Chances of Getting in the Hall of Fame? Very Rare	p. 123
When Celia Met Sally...A Convertible Love Story	p. 133
I Want to be a Margo, but I'm Really a Sha-nae-nae	p. 141
It Is what It @#$%^-ing Is	p. 151
Lessons Taught Here	p. 159
The Wrestler and the Fan	p. 167
No TV? I'll Put My Carbon Footprint Up Your Behind	p. 177
Checkerboard Dreams: Shaggin' with the (Sorta) Stars	p. 187
Get Yer Wassail On; It's Carolin' Time	p. 195
Sex Every Night for a Year? How Do You Wrap That?	p. 205
Japanese Moms, Meet Most Honorable Uncrustables	p. 213
Strapped for Cash? Try Cat Whisperin'	p. 223
Mamas, Don't LetYour Sons Grow Up to Be Cheaters	p. 231
Epilogue: The Future Is Bloody Well Decided-Or Is It?	p. 239
Acknowledgments	p. 243
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

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You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials