The Cost of Quiet How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love

An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship—disconnection, disengagement, and divorce—and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most.

“I wish I had spoken up sooner."

People think relationships fail because of deal breakers like infidelity, finances, or parenting problems. But the real culprit is often much less dramatic: emotional disconnection after years of staying silent and avoiding conflict. We’re afraid to say what we need because we worry about what will come next.

Avoidant behavior—the need to “keep the peace” rather than dealing with conflict head on—isn’t our fault. Our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But silence is a losing proposition in the long term, leading us to self-abandon and essentially “quiet quit” our relationships.

We can make another choice. In The Cost of Quiet, licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Jane Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and how to overcome it. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she’s used to repair the bond between hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach those we love with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate goal: a securely attached relationship that engages with conflict productively, and the confidence that comes from speaking up and being heard—because a good relationship is worth fighting for.

Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples’ therapy. She also co-hosts the podcasts Insights from the Couch and Love Thy Neighbor, and her 2025 TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was a TED editors pick. She lives in Orlando, Florida, with her husband.