Emotional Unavailability Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

"Bryan Collins explores the common problem of emotional unavailability from an original, practical, and non-judgemental perspective. This book offers usable solutions to this human dilemma." Michael Share, Psy.D., L.P."Emotional Unavailabilityis an innotive look at ho a person's emotional style impacts his or her relationship patterns. The book goes beyond definitions of the various styles to provide techniques and tools for change." James W. Keenan, M.S., L.P., Director Power of Relationships, PA"I kept falling into stories that sounded uncomfortably like some that litter my own personal landscape." Trudi Hahn Minneapolis Star Tribune"Bryn Collins examines the reasons we get into painful, frustrating relationships, and how we can make positive changes without blaming ourselves." Gerrie E. Summers Today's Black WomanIn this groundbreaking book, psychologist Bryn Collins opens up the discussion about life with an emotionally unavailable person. Using case studies, quizzes, and jargon-free, easy-to-understand concepts, she profiles the mos common types of emotionally unavailable partners, then offers the skills you need to change these painful associations. Based on her extensive clinical experience, she offers ways to recognize "toxic types" before you get too deeply involved, and she gives the emotionally unavailable partner techniques that teach how to connect with anothe person.

Introduction
1 Mr. Wonderful, Ms. Perfect, and Friends
Romeo/Romiette: Great Balcony, No Stamina
Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man
Tens and Other Trophies
Mama’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls
’Holics: Alca . . . , Coca . . . , Spenda . . . , Sexa . . . , Worka . . .
Emotional Einstein: The Thinking Person’s Love
The One in the Mirror: Narcissists and Other Self-Lovers
Eels and Other Slippery Critters
James Bond: Spies and Lies
Back to the Party
2 Background
Feelings/Emotions: The Basic Four
So Where Do Emotions Come From?
How Did This Happen?
3 The Deeply Desperate: Unrequited Romance Novels
4 Shall We Dance? Cha-Chas, Tracks, Chains, and Tangos
5 Romeo . . . and Juliets: Man, Women, and Trouble
6 Head over Heart: The Intellectual Ivory Tower
7 Whatever You Say, Dear: Power Imbalances
8 The Adventurers: Relationships on the Edge
9 I’ve Got a Secret: Lies, Half-Truths, and Hidden Traps
10 Talking Turkey: The Emotion Stuffers
11 Yes, But ...: You, Me, and All the Other Bad Stuff in the World
12 The One-Way Mirror: Narcissists
13 Let Me Fix It for You: The Codependency Cage
14 ’Holics
15 The Rock and the Rocket
16 Emotionally Unavailable Parents
New Tools
Check Yourself Out First
17 A Framework for Change and Growth
The Five Boxes of Emotional Location
Emotional Location Basics
Other Connections in the Grid
Dr. Collins’s Magic Words
Practical Applications
Confrontation
Confrontation vs. Problem Solving
Assertiveness
Reframing
Boundaries
The Forbidden “Why”
Goals and Structure
Emotional Responsibility
Using the Tools
18 Tools for Changing and Growing
An Internal Feedback System
State-Dependent Learning
Connecting Emotions and Body Feelings
Connecting to Other People
Developing Values and Beliefs
Building Trust
Developing Empathy
Goals and Structure
Unloading Old Baggage: Attachment, Abuse, and Abandonment
Choosing and Using a Therapist
Building Self-Esteem
19 Dumping the Toxic and Moving On
Personality Disorders
The Truly Toxic
Danger Signals and Warning Signs
Why the Bad Ones Are So Appealing
Reading List
Index