Asserting Yourself-Updated Edition A

Utilizing a number of techniques from behavior-change psychology, speech, communications, and acting, the authors Sharon and Gordon Bower outline an effective assertiveness program to help people improve their self-esteem, articulate their opinions, and develop meaningful relationships. Exercises and examples throughout-including the celebrated "DESC scripts" (describe, express, specify, consequences)-allow readers to practice the program, adapt it to their own lives, and evaluate their progress. For both personal and professional use,Asserting Yourselfis the classic guide to building confidence and taking a stand.

Sharon Anthony Bower is President of Confidence Training, Inc. She has led communication workshops for Apple, IBM, Hewlett-Packard, and government agencies. Gordon H. Bower is Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, having received his Ph.D. from Yale. He is a member of the National Academy of Sciences.

Introduction

1

(188)

1. How Assertive Are You Now?

4

(22)

Do You Have a Right to be Assertive?

6

(2)

The Passive, the Aggressive, and the Assertive Styles of Behavior

8

(4)

Getting Started

12

(1)

PALS: The Phases in Learning Assertive Behaviors

13

(13)

2. Improving Your Self-Esteem

26

(20)

Your Self-Concept: A Product of Experience

26

(1)

The Toll of a Negative Self-Concept

27

(2)

Looking at Your Relationships

29

(5)

Changing Your Self-Concept

34

(9)

Extending Your Pleasures

43

(3)

3. Coping with Stress

46

(18)

Flow Emotions Can Keep You from Becoming Assertive

46

(4)

Learning to Relax

50

(2)

Desensitizing Yourself to Anxiety

52

(7)

Additional Strategies for Coping with Stress

59

(5)

4. Small Steps: Beginning Assertive Exercises

64

(23)

Keeping a Record of Your Assertive Behavior

64

(1)

Beginning Assertive Exercises

65

(1)

Exercise 1. Listing Your Put-Down Sentences

66

(3)

Exercise 2. Active Looking

69

(2)

Exercise 3. Initiating Greeting-Talk

71

(2)

Exercise 4. Giving and Accepting Genuine Compliments

73

(1)

Exercise 5. Asking for Clarification

74

(1)

Exercise 6. Requesting Help

75

(2)

Exercise 7. Speaking Up for Your Reasonable Rights

77

(1)

Exercise 8. Participating in Conversations

78

(2)

Exercise 9. Using Body Language that Says Yes or No

80

(3)

Exercise 10. Stopping Self-Justification

83

(1)

Exercise 11. Using Expressive Talk to Show Feelings

84

(2)

Conclusion

86

(1)

5. DESC Scripting: A New Approach for Dealing with Conflicts

87

(19)

Negotiating for Positive Changes

87

(1)

Why Write Scripts?

88

(2)

DESC Scripts

90

(6)

Working Out a DESC Script

96

(3)

Summary of Rules for Writing DESC Scripts

99

(3)

Find the Error: Some Poor and Better Scripts

102

(4)

6. Sample Scripts for Standard Situations

106

(17)

Requesting a Billing Adjustment

107

(1)

Requesting Information

108

(1)

Requesting Help

108

(1)

Clarifying Your Instructions

109

(1)

Requesting a Raise

110

(1)

Requesting Reconciliation

111

(1)

Requesting Participation

112

(1)

Saying No to Unreasonable Demands

113

(1)

Protesting Annoying Habits

114

(1)

Protesting Unjust Criticism

115

(1)

Protesting Physical Violence

116

(1)

Protesting Emotional Outbursts

117

(1)

Protesting a Rip-Off

118

(1)

Dealing with a Substance Abuser

119

(1)

Establishing Independence

120

(1)

Dealing with the Silent Treatment

121

(1)

Conclusion

122

(1)

7. Writing Your Own DESC Scripts

123

(20)

Writing a Script for Your Problem Scene

124

(7)

Abbreviated Scripts

131

(2)

Scripts for Mailing or Telephoning

133

(2)

Practicing Your Script-Writing

135

(3)

When is a Script a Success?

138

(5)

8. Downer Detours

143

(28)

Put-Off Detours

145

(1)

Distracting Detours

146

(1)

Denying Detours

147

(1)

Blaming Detours

148

(2)

Verbal-Abusing Detours

150

(1)

Joking Detours

151

(1)

Reinterpreting Detours

152

(1)

Psychoanalyzing Detours

152

(2)

"Poor Me" Detours

154

(1)

Negative-Body-Language Detours

155

(1)

Apologizing Detours

156

(1)

Threatening Detours

157

(2)

Debating Detours

159

(1)

Tough Cases: Procrastinating Detours and Nonnegotiating Detours

160

(5)

Some Sample DESC Scripts with Downer Detours

165

(2)

Your Script, Your Downer's Detours, and Your Replies

167

(4)

9. Looking and Feeling Assertive

171

(18)

Phase 1: Prepare to Practice

172

(1)

Phase 2: Highlight Your Script

172

(2)

Phase 3: Learn Your Lines

174

(1)

Phase 4: Develop Assertive Body Language

175

(3)

Phase 5: Speak with More Power

178

(3)

Phase 6: Speak with More Clarity

181

(1)

Phase 7: Speak with More Expression

182

(2)

Phase 8: Set the Stage

184

(1)

Phase 9: Look the Part

185

(4)

10. Hit-and-Run Downers

189

(17)

Who's Got the Power?

189

(2)

How Prevalent is the Passive Victim?

191

(2)

Rationalizations of Nonresisters (Nice Passive Folks)

193

(3)

When Should You be Assertive?

196

(2)

Some Rules for Complaining

198

(1)

Abbreviated DESC Scripts for One-Shot Situations

199

(7)

11. Developing Friendships

206

(22)

Increasing Your Likability

206

(2)

Deepening Old Acquaintances

208

(1)

Meeting New People

209

(1)

Developing Conversational Skills

210

(12)

Socializing Exercises

222

(1)

On Making Dates

223

(2)

Coping with Social Anxieties

225

(2)

Conclusion

227

(1)

Appendix A Principles of Behavior Change

228

(3)

Appendix B Progressive Relaxation

231

(7)

Appendix C Rules of Contracting

238

(2)

Notes

240

(3)

Suggestions for Further Reading

243

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Asserting Yourself-Updated Edition A Practical Guide For Positive Change

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials