Dangerous Relationships How To Identify And

How to Identify and Respond to the Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship

Noelle Nelson, Ph.D., is a nationally respected clinical psychologist, trial consultant and author based in Malibu, California. Over the years, she has counseled hundreds of individuals caught in the pain of domestic violence and consulted in many domestic violence cases. As she counseled these victims of abuse, Dr. Nelson became increasingly convinced of the need for a preventive approach that could stop domestic violence before it had a chance to develop. She has been featured on CNN, CNBC, The Montel Williams Show, and The View.

Introduction

1

(1)

What Is Domestic Violence?

2

(1)

The Purpose of This Book

3

(3)

Caution

6

(1)

How to Use This Book

6

(1)

Notes

7

(6)

The Four Relationships

9

(4)

Warning Sign #1: A Whirlwind Beginning

Swept Away

13

(20)

Isn't It Romantic

13

(2)

Adam and Eve in Paradise

15

(1)

A Love for All Eternity

16

(1)

A Dynamite Roommate

17

(3)

Too Much, Too Soon

20

(4)

The Push for Intimacy

24

(4)

High Up on a Pedestal

28

(5)

How to Deal with the Heady Rush of a Passionate Beginning

33

(12)

Too Much, Too Soon

33

(4)

The Push for Intimacy

37

(2)

High Up on a Pedestal

39

(6)

The Hot Pursuit

45

(16)

Are Your Rights and Feelings Really Being Respected?

45

(4)

``I Want What I Want When I Want It'': Abusers Have Trouble with Impulse Control

49

(4)

``Now You See It, Now You Don't'': The Distracting Maneuver

53

(3)

You Signal that You Are Receptive

56

(2)

A One-Size-Fits-All Seductive Approach

58

(3)

How to Get the Respect You Deserve

61

(20)

Respecting Your Rights and Feelings

61

(5)

Poor Impulse Control

66

(4)

Distracting Maneuvers

70

(3)

Checking Receptivity

73

(2)

One-Size-Fits-All Seductions

75

(6)

Warning Sign #2: Possessiveness

You Belong to Me

81

(24)

The Togetherness Syndrome

81

(8)

``I Want Power Over and Control of You''

89

(2)

``Your Time Belongs to Me''

91

(3)

``I'll Tell You Who You Can See, and When, and Where''

94

(3)

``I'll Pick Your Clothes, Your Hairstyle, Your Everything''

97

(1)

How You Are Manipulated and Controlled

98

(7)

How to Stay in Charge of Your Own Life

105

(12)

Power and Control

105

(2)

Controlling Your Time

107

(1)

Controlling the People You See and under What Circumstances

108

(3)

Controlling What You Wear and Your Environment

111

(1)

Manipulation

112

(5)

Warning Sign #3: The Switch

Dr. Jekyll Becomes Mr./Ms. Hyde

117

(22)

The Dark Side Emerges

117

(4)

The Screaming Begins

121

(4)

A Hurtful Distancing

125

(2)

The Wicked Witch of the North

127

(1)

Recognizing the Dr. Jekyll-Mr./Ms. Hyde Syndrome

128

(1)

Emotional Overdrive

129

(5)

Unpredictable Emotional Reactions

134

(1)

Inability to Let Go

135

(2)

Emotional Justification

137

(1)

Note

138

(1)

How to Work with Your Partner's Emotional Extremes

139

(14)

Exaggerated Emotional Responses

139

(3)

Unpredictable Emotional Reactions

142

(3)

Inability to Let Go

145

(2)

Emotional Justification

147

(6)

Warning Sign #4: Blame

Whatever It Is, It's All Your Fault

153

(18)

Assigning Blame

153

(7)

Your Partner's Rotten Behavior Is All Your Fault

160

(3)

Everything that Goes Wrong in Your Partner's Life Is Somebody Else's Fault (Usually Yours)

163

(5)

Your Distress and Your Pain over How Your Partner Treats You Are Your Fault

168

(3)

How to Refuse Blame that Doesn't Belong to You

171

(12)

Your Partner's Rotten Behavior Is All Your Fault

171

(3)

Everything that Goes Wrong in Your Partner's Life Is Somebody Else's Fault (Usually Yours)

174

(3)

Your Distress and Your Pain over How Your Partner Treats You Are Your Fault

177

(6)

Warning Sign #5: Verbal Abuse

Words that Hurt

183

(18)

Dumb and Stupid

183

(2)

Bedroom Attacks

185

(3)

Cutting You Down

188

(2)

Pleasure Destroyed

190

(2)

Pointing Out How You Are Stupid, Inept, and Dumb

192

(3)

Putting You Down Where It Hurts Most

195

(2)

Beating You Down when You're Up

197

(4)

How to Stand Up to Words that Hurt

201

(16)

You Are Told You Are Stupid, Inept, and Dumb

201

(6)

Putting You Down Where It Hurts Most

207

(3)

Beating You Down when You're Up

210

(7)

Warning Sign #6: Insensitivity

Lack of Caring for the Well-Being of Others

217

(14)

Life's a Bitch and Then You Die

217

(2)

Karen and Her Dogs

219

(2)

A Bird Named Frank

221

(3)

Anne's Black Thumb

224

(1)

Empathy

225

(1)

Callous Attitude toward the Suffering of Others

226

(1)

Indifference to and Willful Neglect of the Well-Being of Children, Animals, and Plants

227

(2)

Disregard or Destruction of the Property of Others

229

(2)

How to Recognize an Uncaring Attitude as a Percursor to Violence

231

(6)

A Callous Attitude toward the Suffering of Others

231

(2)

Indifference to and Willful Neglect of the Well-Being of Children, Animals, and Plants

233

(1)

Disregard or Destruction of the Property of Others

234

(3)

Warning Sign #7: Past and Present Violence

The Alarm Goes Unheeded

237

(22)

Pushed into a Wall

237

(3)

A Kicker and a Thrower

240

(2)

The Violence of Jealousy

242

(2)

Sibling Rivalry

244

(2)

Love's Safety Shattered

246

(1)

Inventing ``Reasons'' that Make the Violence Acceptable

247

(7)

You Say ``It's Really Not that Bad''

254

(2)

Once Again, It's All Your Fault

256

(3)

How to See the Violence for What It Is and Resist the Temptation to Excuse It Away

259

(10)

You Invent Reasons to Make the Violence Acceptable to You

259

(1)

Past Violence

259

(4)

You Decide ``It's Really Not that Bad''

263

(1)

Once Again, It's All Your Fault

264

(5)

Mary, Bob, Peter, and Teri Revisited

New Beginnings

269

(14)

Mary's Session

269

(4)

Bob's Letter

273

(3)

Peter's Visit

276

(4)

Teri Sends an E-mail

280

(3)

Conclusion

283

(2)

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Dangerous Relationships How To Identify And Respond To The Seven Warning Signs Of A Troubled Relationship

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials