How To Do Everything (From the Man Who Should Know)

It may not be great literature - but at least it's handy. From the mastermind of the hugely successful The Red Green Showcomes a book that is going to change your life, or at least make you laugh - a lot - whenever you pick it up. And people are going to be picking it up for many years to come, because - like the long-rerunning TV shows - there's not a topical gag in the book anywhere, so it's going to be funny for the forseeable future. And as its title suggests, this is also a terribly useful book. Among its very many gems of advice, it shows how to cook with acetylene, take revenge on a lawn mower, measure your hat size with a two-by-four, reduce your carbon footprint (it involves moving into a fruit tree located next to a liquor store) and make your own alternative fuel (which involves an empty propane tank and a full septic one).

RED GREEN is the leader of Possum Lodge, Chapter 11, a northern Ontario eyesore. He is friendly, inventive, cheap and as honest as the day is long, which means he's the least honest on December 21. When he works on his handyman projects, Red is not stupid, he's impatient. So he uses duct tape to "buy time." Red Green is the star of The Red Green Show, which had first runs in Canada and the US from 1991 until 2006, making it the longest running live-action scripted comedy in the world. It continues to be enormously popular in reruns here and in the States. Red Green is the creation of Canadian comedian and writer Steve Smith.

Artist Red Green has previously illustrated his own poetry books, which he kept carefully hidden until it was agreed he could do the illustrations for this book. Photographer Red Green's discovery that a professional might charge upwards of a hundred dollars led him to the decision to take the damn pictures in this book himself.

Introduction | How to Survive the Seven Stages of Marriage  | Docking a Powerboat  | How to Keep Birds Away  | How to Drink Responsibly  | Things Not to Say to the Bride  | How to Balance Your Job and Home Life | How to Reduce Your Hotel Bill | Quick Tip #1: Opening a Pickle Jar | Plumbing Made Easy | How to Form a Club | Home Schooling | Reviving Traditions of the Past | Use This, Not This | How to Apologize | How to Get a Job | How to Tell If You Have a Problem Teenager | Quick Tip #2: What to Do About Squeaky Floorboards | Bad Gift Weather Station | How to Check Your Marital Status | How to Preserve Your Internal Hermit | Income Tax Deductions That Are Worth a Try | Behaviour Modification Through Observation | How to Improve Your Gas Mileage on a Long Trip | Hang the Expense | How to Make Dinner More Romantic | Seven Legal Things You Can Do with a Damp Basement | Quick Tip #3: Car Pulls to the Left | Multiple-Choice Sensitive-Man Quiz | How to Dress | How to Survive an Office Job | How to Work Tirelessly | Important Research for the Do-It-Yourselfer | Twelve Ways to Liven Up a Party | Why We Have Rules | Making Alternative Fuel | Items That Don’t Mix | Quick Tip #4: Opening a Sticky Door | How to Tell If You’re Too Focused on Your Job | How Your Pool Can Shovel Snow | Important Life Lessons | Less Is Mower | People Who Shouldn’t Drink Coffee | Ten Reasons to Have a Gravel Driveway | Reducing Your Carbon Footprint | How to Set Up Your Home Entertainment System | How to Have a UFO Sighting | The Easy Way to Raise Children | Quick Tip #5: Getting the Cork out of a Wine Bottle | How to Sell a Questionable Used Car | How to Avoid Conflict | The Importance of a Ground Wire | How to Feel Good About Yourself | What to Do with Your Fitness Equipment | Appearances Can Be Revealing | How to Babysit | How to Balance Your Books | How to Handle Messy People | Quick Tip #6: Fixing a Leaky Roof  | How to Install a Parquet Floor | The Motor-Sail-Cle | How to Take Better Pictures | Your First Cruise | How to Split Firewood | Cooking with Acetylene | Getting More out of Your Furnace | How to Get Back at Your Lawn mower | How to Sell Your Home Privately | Quick Tip #7: How to Measure Your Hat Size with a Two-by-Four | How to Save Money on Auto Body Work | How to Use an Adjustable Wrench | The Benefits of Fishing | Wake-Up Calls | How to Avoid Identity Theft | How to Fight the Aging Process | Good in the Clutch | Starting Your Chainsaw | How to Avoid Traffic Violations | Quick Tip #8: Getting Rid of a Bad Smell | How to Survive the Airport Experience | How to Spot Your Enemies | How to Fix a Leaky Faucet | The Computer Is Your Friend | Pause for Thoughts: Some Words of Wisdom | Choosing the Correct Fastener | The Dangers of the “To Do” List | Safety Rules for the Handyman | The Miracle of Mechanical Advantage | Quick Tip #9: Sealing a Drafty Window | Passing the Torch | Crisis Management | Shades of Green | The Million-Dollar Handyman | How to Catch Mice | The Demands of Boat Ownership | Handyman Fingerprints | Deciding Who Should Pay the Bills | How to Tell if You’re Boring | Quick Tip #10: Slippery Stairs | Another Pause for Thoughts | A Quiet Place | The Dangers of Pointing a Finger | How to Adjust to Global Warming | Beware of Golf | Don’t Play Too Much Solitaire | Friends with Benefits | How to Prepare for the Big Day | Quick Tip #11: Getting Farther on Empty | Power Paint | Respecting the Sensitive Handyman | The Real Ironman Triathlon | In Loving Memory of the Two-Cycle Engine | Translating Sailor Talk | Old-Guy Practice | Animal Defence | How to Build Your Own Airplane | How to Get Off the Grid | Quick Tip #12: Can You Drink the Water? | How to Manage Fire | How to Manage Your Expectations | How to Outsmart a Raccoon | Interpreting Body Messages | High Steppers | The Art of Mind Reading | Rarely Heard Sentences | The Good Side of Bad Reflexes | Think Healthy, Be Healthy | Quick Tip #13: Should You Be Lifting This?  | A System for Gambling | Remote Possibilities | Subjects You Should Not Bring Up with Your Wife | Supply and Demand | Things You Can Learn from Your Dog | What She Does Not Want | The Importance of Being Ignorant | The Handyman’s Prayer | About the Author | About the Illustrator | About the Photographer | Acknowledgements |