How to Ruin Your Life

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ISBN: 9781401906160 | 1401906168
Cover: Paperback
Copyright: 12/1/2005

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This book is a collection ofBen Stein's "How To Ruin" Series: How to Ruin Your Life How to Ruin Your Love Life How to Ruin Your Financial Life These books will not only make you laugh out loud, they will allow you to honestly assess your life. Learn from these booksand for heaven's sake, do the oppositeright now!

Introduction by Ben Stein

HOW TO RUIN YOUR LIFE

(106)

1 Don't Learn Any Useful Skills

(3)

2 Don't Learn Any Self-Discipline

(3)

3 Convince Yourself You're the Center of the Universe

(3)

4 Never Accept Any Responsibility for Anything That Goes Wrong

(2)

5 Criticize Early and Often

(3)

6 Never Be Grateful

(3)

7 Know That You're the Source of All Wisdom

(3)

8 Envy Everything; Appreciate Nothing

(3)

9 Be a Perfectionist

(2)

10 Think Too Big

(2)

11 Don't Enjoy the Simple Things in Life

(1)

12 Fix Anyone and Everyone at Any Time

(3)

13 Treat the People Who Are Good to You Badly

(3)

14 Treat the People Who Are Bad to You Well

(2)

15 Hang Out with the Wrong Crowd

(2)

16 Make the People Around You Feel Small

(2)

17 Keep Score

(3)

18 Use Drugs and Alcohol Freely

(4)

19 Don't Save Any Money

(4)

20 Ignore Your Family

(5)

21 Know That the Rules of Reasonable, Decent Conduct Don't Apply to You

(6)

22 Live As If Truth Is Relative—a Distant Relative

(3)

23 Remember That No One Else Counts

(3)

24 Know That You Don't Owe Anyone a Thing

(4)

25 Gamble with Money

(3)

26 Make It Clear: Pets Are for Losers

(2)

27 Don't Clean Up After Yourself

(3)

28 Have No Respect for Age or Experience

(2)

29 Show Everyone Around You That You're Holier Than Thou

(4)

30 Fight the Good Fight...Over Everything

(3)

31 Do It Your Way

(3)

32 Think the Worst of Everyone

(2)

33 Live Above Your Means

(2)

34 Be a Smart-Ass

(2)

35 Whenever Possible, Say "I Told You So"

101

(2)

Afterword

103

(4)

HOW TO RUIN YOUR LOVE LIFE

107

(128)

1 Know That Your Wishes Are the Only Ones That Matter in Any Situation

109

(3)

2 Rest Assured That You Know Better about Every Subject Than Your Lover

112

(3)

3 Live Your Life As If Only Your Feelings Count!

115

(2)

4 Point Out Your Lover's Imperfections in Public

117

(3)

5 Never Admit That You're Wrong or Apologize in Any Dispute

120

(4)

6 Overdramatize Everything

124

(2)

7 Demand Expensive Gifts from Your Lover

126

(2)

8 Never Be Grateful for the Gifts You Do Get

128

(2)

9 Carve It in Stone: Love Relationships Aren't Partnerships—They're Master-Servant Relationships, and You Are the Master (or Mistress)

130

(3)

10 Compare Your Lover with Lovers You've Dated in the Past

133

(3)

11 Talk about Yourself Exclusively

136

(3)

12 Remember That Your Lover Is Your Punching Bag

139

(3)

13 Act Moody and Sulky When Your Lover Gets Home—but Don't Tell Him Why You're Sulking!

142

(2)

14 Remember That Your Lover Is Also Your Assistant, Lawyer, Placement Officer, Apartment Finder, and Loan Broker

144

(3)

15 Don't for a Moment Let Your Lover Believe That He's Valued Just for Himself

147

(3)

16 Play Phone Games—That Is, Don't Return Her Calls So She Can See How Cool and Aloof You Are

150

(3)

17 Make Fun of Your Lover's Family

153

(4)

18 Let It Be Known That You Consider Affection to Be a Chore

157

(3)

19 If You're Dating Someone Who Has a Lot of Problems, Is Generally a Mess, and All of Your Friends Dislike Him, Get Married Anyway Marriage Will Cure All of Your Problems!

160

(3)

20 Don't Ever Tell Your Lover, "I Love You"

163

(2)

21 Have a Relationship with Someone Who's Never Happy and Is Always Down in the Dumps...and Believe You Can and Will Make Him Happy

165

(3)

22 Expect Your Lover to Look Like Someone Out of a Penthouse Centerfold

168

(3)

23 Feel Free to Say Any Cruel Thing You Want to Your Lover, and When Reproached about It, Say, "Hey, Can't I Even Express My Feelings?"

171

(3)

24 Forbid Your Lover to See Her Friends

174

(4)

25 Only Pursue Men or Women Who Are Already Taken

178

(3)

26 Always Look Your Worst, or at Any Rate, Don't Bother to Look Your Best

181

(3)

27 Be Consistently Surly and Unfriendly

184

(3)

28 Act Like a Big Baby on Dates

187

(6)

29 Take Total Possession of Your Lover's Home

193

(2)

30 Flirt with Anyone and Everyone in Front of Your Lover

195

(3)

31 Make the Decision That You're Going to Marry for Money—and Don't Let Love Enter into the Equation

198

(2)

32 If Your Lover Has Parents Who Are Simply Intolerable, Believe in Your Heart That He or She Will Turn Out Totally—or Even a Little Bit—Different from Those Parents

200

(3)

33 Act Out of Jealousy Any Old Time You Feel Like It; in Fact, Let Jealousy Rule Your Life

203

(3)

34 Trust That First Flush of Love, Affection, and Sexual Excitement—and Know That It Will Last Forever

206

(2)

35 Develop an Intense Relationship with Someone with Severe Personal Problems, and Believe in Your Heart That You Can Change Him

208

(2)

36 Have an Affair with Your Lover's Best Friend or Roommate, and Trust That She'll Never Find Out or Even Care!

210

(2)

37 Pretend to Be Someone You're Not

212

(2)

38 Get Involved in Your Lover's Family Business

214

(2)

39 Believe in Your Heart That There's Always Someone Better Just Around the Corner, and Treat Your Current Lover Like He or She Is Merely a Temporary Substitute for the Real Thing

216

(3)

40 Act Morally Superior to Your Lover

219

(2)

41 Make Up Strict Rules of Conduct to Keep Your Lover Under Total Stalinist Control

221

(2)

42 Avoid Developing Any Common Interests

223

(2)

43 Don't Value Your Lover's Achievements

225

(2)

44 When Things Are Going Really Well, Start a Fight

227

(4)

Afterword

231

(4)

HOW TO RUIN YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE

235

(138)

1 Forget about Tomorrow

237

(2)

2 Know with Certainty That There Will Never Be Any Rainy Days in Your Life

239

(2)

3 Remember That Your Peace of Mind Is a Lot More Important Than the Few Pennies You'll Save Worrying about Money

241

(2)

4 Save Money Only When You Feel Like It, and If You Just Don't Feel Like Saving, Then Don't!

243

(2)

5 Don't Bother to Learn Anything at All about Investing

245

(2)

6 Spend As Much As You Want, and Don't Be Afraid to Go into Debt

247

(3)

7 Set Up a High-Profile, High-Consumption Lifestyle with Enormous Fixed Expenses That You Can't Afford

250

(4)

8 Compete with Your Friends to See Who Can Spend the Most

254

(2)

9 Don't Balance Your Checkbook or Keep Track of What You Spend

256

(2)

10 Forget to Pay Your Taxes

258

(4)

11 Truly Believe That You're Only As Valuable As What You Own

262

(3)

12 Collect As Many Credit Cards As You Can, and Use Them Frequently

265

(2)

13 As Soon As You've Succeeded in Maxing Out Your Credit Cards...Get New Ones!

267

(2)

14 When You Get Your Credit-Card Bills, Pay Only the Minimum Each Month

269

(2)

15 Know in Your Heart of Hearts That You Will Never Run Out of Money

271

(2)

16 Repeat After Me: "I Am Not Responsible for My Financial Well-Being"

273

(2)

17 Trust That There's Always More Money Coming In

275

(2)

18 Lend Money to Your Friends Especially Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend

277

(2)

19 Learn the Ultimate Rule of Success Money Spent on Appearances Is the Best Money You Can Spend!

279

(2)

20 Play Lady—or Lord—Bountiful by Shelling Out Money to Everyone Around You

281

(2)

21 Don't Worry about Retirement It's a L-O-O-N-N-G Way Off

283

(3)

22 Choose a Broker Based on His (or Her) Good Looks, Fashion Sense, and Gift of Gab

286

(3)

23 Attend a "Free" Financial Seminar, and Follow the Advice They "Sell" You to the Letter

289

(2)

24 Make a Point of Watching Those Late-Night Financial Success Infomercials

291

(3)

25 Rest Assured That If a Person Is Quoted in The Wall Street Journal or on TV, She (or He) Must Be Able to Forecast the Stock Market

294

(3)

26 Don't Pay Any Attention to Financial Experts Who Urge You to Diversify—the Stock Market Is Always the Best (and Only) Place to Be!

297

(3)

27 Convince Yourself That You Can Beat the Market Without Knowing Anything about It

300

(2)

28 Carve It in Stone: "Average" Returns in the Stock Market Aren't Good Enough for You!

302

(2)

29 Don't Waste Your Time with a Broker Who Works for a Well-Known Firm Go with That Nimble Little Fellow Who Sent You Spam on the Internet

304

(2)

30 Act Fast! Those Stock Tips You Heard about in the Locker Room Have Real Value

306

(2)

31 Don't Be Satisfied to Just Buy and Hold Rapid Trading Is the Key to Wealth

308

(3)

32 Invest in Penny Stocks

311

(2)

33 To Make Real Money, Go on Margin!

313

(4)

34 Believe in "Black Box" Trading Methods Pitched to You by Some Wizard in a Fancy Suit

317

(2)

35 Put All Your Eggs in One Basket 'Cause Only Sissies Diversify

319

(2)

36 Ignore Investment Fees and Expenses They're Just Nickels and Dimes

321

(2)

37 Buy and Read Newsletters about Investing, and Do Exactly What They Say

323

(3)

38 Make Sure You Never Hold Your Financial Adviser or Broker Accountable You Want Him to Be Your Friend

326

(2)

39 If Your Investment Program Isn't Producing Good Results, Keep Doing the Same Thing Anyway

328

(2)

40 If Taking Charge of Your Financial Life Seems Overwhelming Now, Just Put It Off for a Few More Years

330

(2)

41 Start a Business with Inadequate Capital—in a Difficult Field and in a Difficult Location—and Expect to Prosper

332

(2)

42 Don't Worry about Buying Stocks When There's a Bubble Going On—You'll Always Know When to Sell Out Just Before the Bubble Bursts

334

(3)

43 If Getting Your Finances Together Seems Too Difficult at Any Given Time, Turn Everything Over to a Financial/Business Manager Who Will Have Total Control Over Your Money

337

(3)

44 Believe That You Can Get Rich Quick That You Can Get Something for Nothing

340

(2)

45 Know Without a Doubt That You Don't Have to Work Hard—You Only Need to Find an Angle

342

(3)

46 Do Not Buy a Home—a Free Spirit Like You Does Not Need to Put Down Roots

345

(3)

47 Feel Confident That You Can Borrow Your Way Out of Any Problem

348

(3)

48 Rest Assured That Shopping Is a Perfectly Valid Form of Emotional and Physical Exercise—Whether You Need What You're Buying or Not

351

(3)

49 Carefully Pore Over All Those Catalogs You Get in the Mail, and Order from Them Late at Night or When You're Feeling Lonely

354

(2)

50 Don't Sweat the Small Stuff—After All, $10 or $20 a Day Doesn't Really Add Up to Much!

356

(2)

51 Find a Man or Woman with Really Expensive Tastes and Reckless Financial Habits and Marry Him or Her!

358

(2)

52 Get Separated and Divorced Frequently

360

(2)

53 Don't Keep Records

362

(2)

54 Gamble with Your Money

364

(3)

55 Don't Bother to Provide for Your Spouse or Your Children

367

(2)

Afterword

369

(4)

About the Author

373

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How to Ruin Your Life

Summary

Author Biography

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials