How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will)

The first and only full-color survival guide on how to prevent, prepare for, and ward off a home invasion by garden gnomes. Move over zombies and adolescent vampires, there's a new threat in town-and it's about three feet tall. The common garden gnome, a deceptively benign lawn ornament, has been gathering momentum as a cultural icon -and suburban guerilla. Fortunately, Gnome Defense Expert (GDE) Chuck Sambuchino offers a proven three-step strategy (Assess, Protect, Defend, or APD) for safeguarding possessions, pets, and loved ones from a gnome home invasion. The book includes schematics for gnome-proofing your dwelling, instructions for confrontations at close range, correct gnomenclature, case histories of human vs. gnome clashes, and innovative ideas for rebuilding in the aftermath of a successful attack.

CHUCK SAMBUCHINO is the editor of Guide to Literary Agents and Screenwriter’s & Playwright’s Market for Writer’s Digest Books. Formerly on staff at Writer’s Digest, he is an award-winning journalist and an online instructor for Writer’s Online Workshops.

Introduction . . . . . 1
 
Part 1 Assess
            1. Are You at Risk? . . . . . 7
            2. Suspicious Activity . . . . . 11
            3. Recognizing Communication . . . . . 21
 
Part 2 Protect
            4. Passive Fortification—Area Denial . . . . . 31
            5. Gnomeproofing Your Exterior—Access Denial . . . . . 39
            6. Gnomeproofing Your Interior—Internal Defense . . . . . 47
 
Part 3 Defend
            7. Ten Tips That Could Save Your Life . . . . . 59
            8. Their Arsenal . . . . . 67
            9. Your Arsenal . . . . . 73
 
Part 4 Apply
            10. Mortal Combat . . . . . 87
            11. Gnome Roam No More . . . . . 95
 
Acknowledgments . . . . . 106