I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation

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ISBN: 9780060957025 | 0060957026
Cover: Paperback
Copyright: 1/1/2003

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In "The Courage to Heal" and "Allies in Healing, " Davis helped millions cope with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Now she tackles another emerging issue: reconciling relationships sundered by betrayal, anger, and misunderstanding.

Acknowledgments

xiii

A Special Preface to the First Edition

xix

Introduction: The Path of Reconciliation

(10)

PART ONE PREPARING THE GROUND

Growing Through the Pain: Estrangement, Time, and Maturity

(18)

The Pain of Estrangement

The Roots of Estrangement

One Disappointment at a Time

In Order to Reconcile, the Wound Can't Be Too Fresh

Growing Bitter, Growing Sweet

Life Shapes Us

Rachel Thomas: Flying to My Sister's Side

Death as a Teacher

The Lessons Children Bring

Maturity Allows Us to Embrace Paradox

To Everything, There Is a Season

Building a Self: The Importance of Autonomy

(20)

The Importance of Boundaries

When Injuries Are Unforgivable

Dana Roper: Returning the Gift He Gave Me

When It's Time to Move On

Kathleen Ryan: When Memories Are Disputed

Establishing Terms of Engagement

The Difference Between Reconciliation and Capitulation

Finding Clarity: The Task of Discernment

(44)

What's Happening Now?

What's My Role in This Estrangement?

What's the Bigger Picture?

Bridging the Generation Gap

What Is the Other Person Capable Of?

The Changes Were Going to Have to Happen Inside of Me

What Kind of Person Do I Want to Be?

Sharon Tobin: Choosing Compassion for a Dying Parent

Does This Relationship Warrant Reconciliation?

A Personal Decision

Sara and Tom Brown: Facing a Broken Marriage

Believing That People Can Change

Different Circumstances, Different Choices

How Close Do I Want to Be?

Am I Prepared to Deal with the Outcome?

Elizabeth Menkin: She Owes Us a Life

From Discernment to Action

PART TWO MARSHALING YOUR STRENGTH

Taking the First Steps: Gathering Courage

(29)

Gary Geiger: Facing the Man Who Shot Me

The Courage to Face Uncertainty

Wendy Richter: Sometimes It's Enough for Things to Be Just a Little Bit Better

Fear Doesn't Have to Stop You

What Am I Afraid Of?

First Steps

Taking the First Step

Slow but Steady Wins the Race

Taking Risks Gradually

The Courage to Face Yourself

Kay Kessler: Growing a New Relationship

The Courage to Change

The Myth of the Cowardly Lion

Persistence Over Time: The Importance of Determination

122

(43)

Being Resolute in Your Goals

Beth Tanzman: I Just Had to Find Him

Responses and Rejoinders

Miriam Gladys: Making Amends to My Children

Seeking Help Where You Can Find It

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Bruce Stevens: Creating Detente in the Family

Expecting the Process to Have Ups and Downs

Deciding to Let Go of the Past

Kate Gillen: Fighting over My Father's Will

Creating a New Future Together

Establishing New Ways to Connect

Bridging Distance, Getting Closer

Honoring Everybody Involved

Spiritual Strength Leads to Determination

Azim Khamisa and Ples Felix: Victims on Both Sides of the Gun

Reconciliation Is a Choice

PART THREE OPENING THE HEART

Communication That Furthers Closeness: The Role of Listening and Honesty

165

(43)

It Was Better Not to Talk About It

Barbara Newman: E-Mailing My Brother After Thirty Years

The Relationship Between Honesty and Discernment

Choosing to Focus on What You Have Now

Mindfulness and Honesty

Paul Howerton: Deciding Not to Talk to My Father

Hearing My Mother's Story

We Needed to Talk About It

Kate Howard: Creating a New History

Learning to Listen

An Opening of Doors

Shawnee Undell: Receiving My Mother's Story

The Marriage of Authenticity and Kindness

Richard Hoffman: Half the House

Another Profound Truth

Melodye Feldman: Bringing Palestinian and Israeli Girls Together

When Honesty Changes the World

Recognizing Our Shared Humanity: Finding Compassion

208

(35)

Discernment with Heart

Antonio de la Pena: Washing My Mother's Hair

Compassion Begins with Acceptance

Learning to Live with a Broken Heart

Facing Mistakes with Love

Compassion Comes from a Place of Wholeness

Sometimes Just a Little Is Enough

Compassion as a Choice

Marc Levy: Understanding ``The Sorrow of War''

Bringing Together the Ultimate Enemies

Armand Volkas: Bringing Together Children of Holocaust Survivors and Children of Nazis

The Road from Revenge to Compassion: Six Steps That Can Change Enemies into Allies

This Work Is About the Future

Acts of Reconciliation: A Sharing of Poetry

Compassion Moves Out into the World

PART FOUR MAKING AMENDS

Taking Responsibility: The Role of Humility and Accountability

243

(22)

The Price of Pride

Acknowledging Your Own Weaknesses

Taking Stock, Looking Within

Celia Sommer: Letting Go of Being Wronged

Learning to Apologize

The Role of Remorse and Respect

From Apology to Action

Pete Salmansohn: Choosing to Get Close Again

The Accountability Continuum

The Courage to Admit a Wrong

Franklin Carter: A Violent Man Changes His Life

The Healing Power of Accountability

Accountability Leads to Self-Respect

The Question of Forgiveness

265

(30)

Forgiveness as Something You Work At

Forgiveness as a Spiritual Gift

Forgiveness as Something That Requires Accountability

Rabbi Steven Fink: Responding Compassionately to Hate

Forgiveness as Something That Happens Unilaterally

The Trouble with Pseudo-Forgiveness

Resolution Is Possible Without Forgiveness

Vicki Malloy: Rebuilding a Relationship with My Perpetrator

Are Some Things Unforgivable?

A Personal Decision

PART FIVE FINDING PEACE

When Reconciliation Is Impossible: The Task of Letting Go

295

(16)

Accepting That the Relationship Is Over

Letting Go When You Don't Know Why the Relationship Ended

Peggy O'Neill: it's in Her Hands Now

Letting Go Is a Process

Helen Meyers: I Can't Force Him to Open the Door

Leaving the Porch Light On

Pam Leeds: Compassion from Afar

The Opposite of Estrangement

When We Meet Again: The Benefits of Reconciliation

311

(7)

Enjoying the Pleasures of Recovered Love

Reweaving the Web of Community

Reconciliation Leads to Peace

Reconciliation Rekindles Optimism

A Deep Sense of Peace

Free Reconciliation Newsletter

318

(1)

Appendix A: Are You Ready for Reconciliation?

319

(4)

Appendix B: Ideas for Reflection and Discussion

323

(10)

Index

333

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I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation

Summary

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials

FREE SHIPPING

Rent More, Save More! Use code: BBRENTAL

5% off 1 book, 7% off 2 books, 10% off 3+ books

I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation

Summary

Table of Contents

Supplemental Materials

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