Lay Me Down

A dream, surreal.All the people I've know'd.Every moment, gone - here then gone.Spent so much of my life, complaining, what is there to complain about - wanting a different life - not leaning into this life, not living this life.Live your destiny.And this, too. This, too. This too.Did I define my life, or did I default into it? NOT IN CONTROL / NOT KNOWINGRELEASING CONTROL / RELEASING KNOWINGThe HALL OF SOULS - maybe I did choose this lifeMaking a baby - RIDGEwheezingDESPERADOSNo hope, without hopecan't be redeemed - nothing to loseWhat are they going to do - sentence me to death?Kill the president if I wanted.Falling - nothing to hold onto, nothing onto which I could hold - just, a freefall.The emptiness of thought.Thoughts, here, then gone - just ideas - nothing compared to the reality of experience - something I'm watching - not me.So I'm gonna die. I'm going to my death. Acceptance.Being with others, not being alone.It happened to everyone, this wasn't just you; everyone would go through it.Grieving and crying being a normal part of the process."I'm going to kill myself," I read. "Kill myself. Blow my brains, no, do something else. Die spectacularly. Instead of chemotherapy. Better to burn out, then fade away."