ParentSpeak What's Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children--and What to Say Instead

A provocative guide to the hidden dangers of “parentspeak”—those seemingly innocent phrases parents use when speaking to their young children.

Imagine if every time you praise your child with “Good job!” you’re actually doing harm? Or that urging a child to say “Can you say thank you?” is exactly the wrong way to go about teaching manners? Jennifer Lehr is a smart, funny, and fearless writer who “takes everything you thought you knew about parenting and turns it on its ear” (Jennifer Jason Leigh).

Backing up her lively writing and arguments with research from psychologists, educators, and organizations like Alfie Kohn, Thomas Gordon, and R.I.E. (Resources for Infant Educarers), Ms. Lehr offers a conscious approach to parenting based on respect and love for the child as an individual.

 

Jennifer Lehr is the author of PARENTSPEAK: What’s Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children—and What to Say Instead. She’s also the author of Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, an Elle must-read. She writes about parenting on her site, jenniferlehr.com, and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two children.

CONTENTS

Introduction: The Pervasiveness of Parentspeak . . . 1

THESE MANIPULATE
Chapter 1: “Good Job!” . . . 6
Chapter 2: “Who’s My Big Boy?” . . . 35

THESE OBJECTIFY
Chapter 3: “You’re So Cute!” . . . 62
Chapter 4: “Give Grandma a Kiss!” . . . 81

THESE MICRO-MANAGE
Chapter 5: “Be Careful!” . . . 100
Chapter 6: “Can You Say ‘Thank You’?” . . . 119
Chapter 7: “Share!” . . . 133
Chapter 8: “Say ‘Sorry’!” . . . 147

THIS DISTRESSES
Chapter 9: “Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!” . . . 160

THESE INVALIDATE
Chapter 10: “You’re Okay!” . . . 170
Chapter 11: “Behave Yourself!” . . . 191

THESE THREATEN
Chapter 12: “I Said, ‘Right Now’!” . . . 209
Chapter 13: “Do You Want a Time-Out?” . . . 225
Chapter 14: “Do You Want a Spanking?” . . . 243

Afterword: All That Said . . . 259
Resources . . . 265
Acknowledgments . . . 271