When Clowns Attack A Survival Guide

THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU
 
Coulrophobia--the fear of clowns--is very real and for good reason. You might think these red-nosed jokers are creepy, sure, but certainly not dangerous. You’d be wrong. Clowns never reveal their real names, and dress to obscure their identities. The rules of civilized society don't apply to them (what other stranger could offer candy to children and get away with it?), they have countless places to hide weapons on their person, and their appearance is downright unnatural. Clowns are the scariest people on earth, and the truth is, they are coming for your valuables, your children, and your sanity.
In this comprehensive guide to self-protection from clown creepery, petty crime, and violence, Chuck Sambuchino--founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert--delves into the terrifying clown underworld to provide the knowledge you need to know to protect yourself from these seemingly innocuous gagmen, using his proven four-step system: ASSESS, ANALYZE, DEFEND, PROTECT.  Included within are instructions on how to defeat a clown in close combat, tips for spotting the plainclothes clown, and tutorials for fully clown-proofing your home against these painted and bewigged warriors. Most importantly, you’ll learn what to do when clowns attack… because it’s only a matter of time before they do.

CHUCK SAMBUCHINO works for Writer’s Digest and edits both the Guide to Literary Agents and the Children’s Writer’s & Illustrator’s Market. His first book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, was optioned for film by Sony. Naturally, he hates clowns, and lives in a heavily fortified residence in the Midwest to avoid them. Besides that, he is a freelance editor, cover band guitarist, retro gamer, and owner of a flabby-yet-lovable dog. Connect with him at chucksambuchino.com or @chucksambuchino on Twitter.

INTRODUCTION   1
1: ASSESS   
Why Clowns Frighten People   6
The Mental Instability of Clowns   15
2: ANALYZE   
Types of Clowns   29
The Party Clown   29
The Circus Clown   30
The Street Clown   32
The Tramp or Hobo   33
The Dunking Booth Clown   34
The Cirque de Soleil “Clown”   35
Clown Anatomy   41
Hat   41
Wig   43
Face Paint   44
Nose   47
Shoes   47
Oversized Pants   50
Clown Communication & Lingo    53


3: DEFEND   
Bozo Hotspots   61
Targets for Attack   65
When Clowns Attack   73
Clown Weapons (Their Arsenal)   74
Clown Assault Tactics   83
How to Defeat a Clown   87
Clown Gangs   95
How to Escape a Clown Posse   99
4: PROTECT   
Spotting the Plainclothes Clown   106
Signs that Clowns Are Nearby   115
Protect Your Home   119
Conclusion   127
Acknowledgments   128
Photo Credits   129