Your Hate Mail Will Be Graded A Decade of Whatever, 1998-2008

JOHN SCALZI is the author of several science fiction novels, including Old Man’s War, The Ghost Brigades, The Last Colony, Zoe’s Tale, and The Android’s Dream. His nonfiction books include The Rough Guide to the Universe, The Rough Guide to Personal Finance, The Book of the Dumb, and You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to a Coffee Shop: Scalzi on Writing. He is a winner of science fiction’s John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer. He lives in Ohio with his wife and daughter.

JESUS’ DICKHEADS

Jul 13 2007

A Hindu chaplain was called to offer a prayer at the US Senate yesterday; the response of some Christian nutbags was to slip in and disrupt the prayer because the Hindu chaplain wasn’t giving his shoutout to Jesus. They were trundled out, the prayer was given, and yet, somehow, the Republic did not fall. I think we can all thank Vishnu for that.

Look, this one is simple: Some people really and truly believe that what Jesus wants is for them to be dicks to everyone who isn’t their particular, mushy-headed stripe of Christian. And if it’s what Jesus wants, then it can’t be wrong. Now, I’m entirely sure that in their minds they can come up with a better explanation for their activities than "Jesus wants me to be a dick"—they may actually be able to find some internal calculus that has them being a dick out of love for us godless idolaters and saving our worthless heathen souls, even—but the rest of us can call it for what it is. And also, of course, when these Dicks for Jesus try to offer up some alternate explanation for their behavior, I think it’s fair to remind them of a number of things:

1. Whatever the rationale, they’re being dicks.

2. At no point in the Bible does Jesus say "be a dick in My name."

3. Lots of other Christians seem to get through life without feeling called upon to be a dick in the service of Christ.

4. Indeed, when many of these Christians discover to their dismay that they’ve been a dick about something, they will frequently fall to their knees and say, "Forgive me, Lord, for I have been a total dick."

5. And He does.

6. That’s a hint.

Now, the chances of any of this penetrating the mental shield of righteousness is pretty low, so you shouldn’t expect anything more than a slightly befuddled look that shades into the growing suspicion that they’re jeopardizing their very souls conversing with one such as you, you and your heathen logic. But it’s worth a try, and if it doesn’t work, at least they know what you think of their somewhat less-than-Christlike behavior. Because nothing digs at the heart of a Christdick more than the knowledge that someone thinks they’re doing their Christianity wrong. Gets ‘em all defensive and huffy, which is better than them being smug and self-righteous, in my book.

Excerpted from Your Hate Mail Will be Graded: A Decade of Whatever by John Scalzi.
Copyright 2008 by John Scalzi.
Published in 2008 by A Tom Doherty Associates Book.
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