My Funeral Friend(s)

Hitchhikers can be an unpredictable lot, To say the least. But if they share one thing in common, it's that they're all desperate. And it's that very notion that drives Mitch Harpring to seek them out. You see, Mitch doesn't care where you are, how you got there, or where you're going. He'll take you as far as you need to go. All he asks, all he wants in return, Is that you go to his funeral when he dies. The only catch is, Mitch has worked in a stock room and locked himself up in his apartment at night for about...a decade. That isn't the interesting part of his story, mind you. It's merely a means of illustrating just how physically and mentally unprepared Mitch is to take on a street gang, a semi-truck, multiple stabbings, And The world's most frightening spider. Ever. But he's willing to risk it all so long as he can get somebody, anybody, To come to his funeral.